family and iceberg
One thing that strikes me with parents , family and significant others and aligned to the idea of walking the talk, is lack of activity on Iceberg!! Where are ye all, why are ye not posting, it's anonymous??!!.
It would help me to hear what you think and feel about ED and your loved one. Give it to me, let me hear your concerns, worries, tell me your distress,tell me what keeps you going, what gives you hope, what glimmers of excitement you feel with small achievements , otherwise how will I know that you care. Maybe it would help me face up to aspects of ED that I'm choosing not to look at. Maybe it would break down the isolation, condition loves isolation.
I guess its walking the talk really, its about expressing feelings, so no activity ,no expression, so are ye all emotionless and numb as those in condition and if not, then why are ye not sharing your feelings, are you angry with my behaviour, are you angry with the therapist, are you upset and guilty about slow progress, do you have a vision of a recovered me, do you see the true me breaking through at times, what are your dreams for me, what were you hopes for me as a kid.
How do you see yourself in all this. What is it stirring up in you. Do you feel you've failed in some way, do you feel blamed, has your confidence take a hit. I suppose its about opening yourself up and giving of yourself , and that means admitting your mistakes, admitting your human weakness and showing me the sufferer , that you're still okay with yourself, that you can bear your imperfections and still like yourself and not need to punish yourself.
Anyway I don't want to divert from me working on myself, THATS KEY and if family work in tandem, then the better for us all and the better our relationships will be going forward. But I can and will get better either way.
kiz
Or are you done in with the whole thing and apathetic. Is it too much effort, can't be bothered. Well as one on the journey, I find it all too much too and wonder am I just making a big expensive mess at times, but my gut keeps me going. I've been pretty much everywhere else in trying to get recovery and there's something different here.
i dunno i kinda like that my family dont come on or at least post it feels like when it all gets too much at home i have a place thats mine to go....i dont have to worry bout what i say here ...
Hello Kizzy,
I really like the clarity of your post. It takes so much courage from a sufferer from an ED to ask for help, you did that, well done.
Yes, I would like to see more sharing from family members; it could help everybody, so often we hear:” I would do anything to help you...” I feel Iceberg is wonderful opportunity to accommodate this type of learning.
Family member often go through a lot of guilt and confusion, maybe we just need to give them more time, I still hope we will have a wonderful discussion between sufferers and carers, we all will benefit from it and learn from one another.
Keep it up, love reading your post
M
Hello Kizzy, I hope you are not disappointed with the response, very important not to take it personally – but for sure there is a lot of learning for us all.....
Maybe over the weekend some family member will share with us that we can learn to understand, I am always full of hope...
All the best
M
am i wrong to be worried about the family been on iceberg. i am trying to figure out how to make home life less stressful and i feel like iceberg is the only place i can go that my own kind of safe private place or something.... like i have started letting ppl in and feel funny about it doubtful, afraid and panicy but i dont know if i could honestly be honest pon here if i know that ppl at home where reading.... or is that me been ''conditiony''. no family in was a major ed rule for me, or is this looking out for me????
Dear Ciara, I think you expressed concerns of many others sufferers in your post. To make home less stressful is to bring understanding and learn from one another. How to communicate differently.
Families are suffering as well and often they do not want to upset sufferers and feel lost and that brings a lot of tension in homes. It is the fear, which is the barrier to effective communication.
We often presume and often hurt ourselves with these presumptions about our families.
As sufferers we get upset that people do not understand us, but we need to take a responsibility to teach people what is going to help us and how they can help in recovery.
Expression and learning will not take this safe place, in secrecy and isolation we only find false safety, in learning from one another we find that we are loved and care for, but often our condition will not allow us to see that.
Effective communication and learning is very helpful, but it can bring fears from both sides and maybe Iceberg can be the forum to let go and eliminate these fears and feel that we are understood and not on our own.
I think that is this fear that stop families to express, let’s help them....let’s fight for the freedom together, the stronger and united army the better chances of winning...
Thank you Ciara
Regards
M
Thanks Marie...your reply has stirred up a lot in me topic for a one to one and possibly this workshop! recovery is so much more about what you do and dont eat these issues are just equally as chaklenging to face.
Thank you Kizzy for raising this issue.
This subject is one that came up again and again in my own recovery, and it comes up time and time again now that I’m working in this area. Carers play such an important role in recovery but often, for a variety of reasons, choose to take a back seat. One thing I know from my own recovery and from what I see in my work is the more carers learn about ED, the easier it is for everybody involved and more often than not, the quicker the sufferer recovers! My own parents tried at the beginning but for whatever reasons, stopped trying. This left me feeling rejected and unworthy of their time. But most of all, I lost confidence in recovery. I believed their apathy meant they didn’t believe I could do it. It also lead to breakdowns in communication at home, continuous arguments and frustration. If you go to Italy and don’t learn Italian, you are never going to understand what is being said to you which will lead to frustration and anguish. If you don’t learn the language of the condition, the results will be the same. Eventually I had to move out of home and try it on my own, which is tough let me tell you, but was the lesser of two evils. During this time I met a lovely guy and we started dating. When I told him about my ED he didn’t have a clue what this meant or what he could do to help me. He wanted to learn. He went to session after session. He attended groups and workshops. He read what he could. The result? He spoke my language and knew how to help me. Of course he wasn’t perfect and made many, many mistakes but I felt worthwhile, he never gave up hope that I would recover and I began to gain confidence that, yes, I could do it. I made the most progress in my recovery with his support. In saying that, the sufferer is responsible for their recovery – it was up to me at the end of the day, BUT... with support, understanding and hope I made far more progress, and faster progress that without it.
Carers, I know that it can be difficult and frustrating to care for somebody with the condition. I think carers often shy away from being involved because of guilt. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Guilt is a luxury you cannot afford and will serve nobody except the condition. Try, try and try again. Even if it seems that your involvement is doing nothing to help, that fact that you are TRYING will mean more than you can ever imagine. The suffer may not express this to you now and it may not be till they are fully recovered before they can, but it will be worth it.
So, parents, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings, aunts, friends... whoever you are, start posting today. You can be totally anonymous; nobody needs to know who you are. In order for sufferers to understand where YOU are coming from, you need to express too.
Looking forward to hearing from you all...
C xx
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