fake it till u make it

I haven't written in a while. I have found myself either quite lost lately or else quite preoccupied with life that I havnt stopped to think of Amanda. SO posting this is thinking about Amanda oh and also I thought this might help other people. So I started teaching a week ago and doing my Dip at the same time. And in the past week I think I have heard 'fake it till you make it' nearly everyday. I have to laugh now because everybody else are all wow, ive never heard that before thats great advice, and secretly Im like ye Ive heard that before from the most helpful people in the world. And yet even though Ive heard it, Ive never really heard it. Everytime people at Marino say it to me I think I was like, I dont understand how can I fake being recovered, it doesnt make sense.

Then I stood in front of all those 12 and 13 year olds and no lie, I was shaking like a leaf I was so nervous. And then the phrase came to my head 'fake it till you make it'. So I did, logically it was the best decision. I mean they had absolutely no clue that I had never done this before. To them I was simply Ms. J ready to teach them history. They werent really interested in anything else, not my clothes or my weight, they dont know my history, they dont know bout ed and marino. To them I was simply Ms J and all they were worried about was whether I was going to give them homework or not. SO I faked the whole class, and Im faking the whole week ahead of me because I am still lost in a myriad of voice control in the class, curriculum essentials, classroom management, kids who dont speak english, kids who are dyslexic etc. I t is just one big learning curve that at first frightened me.

I am not yet comfortable with the way things are at the moment. The staff room scares me, they all know each other and to them I am just a trainee teacher. I get that nervous feeling in my stomach before I get to the school, I dont feel like I belong, I feel like Im an outsider. Or maybe it is that I have to fake it again, fake feeling comfortable until I am comfortable.

When I get to UCD in the afternoon, its all new people and I dont know who the hell they are. Inside my voice tells me I look fat, I am huge, what do all those people think of me, my hair is amess, my make-up is a mess, they must all think Im a right eegit. But I ignore the voice, because Im faking being ok, Im faking the whole thing because one day in the not so distant future it will all be OK. It will be grand and dandy amanda, you are coping just brilliantly.

I just need to learn to ask for help. In the school all the teachers keep saying, if your stuck just ask for help. And that is the hardest thing for me at the moment. Because I dont know it all and saying that I feel ashamed. But before the weekend I asked my supervisor for help next week, she smiled and said no problem amanda, come to me and we will have a chat on monday. There you go amanda, you overcame another hurdle.

I can berate myself as much as I want. I can say how much I have neglected recovery, and sesions and group. I can say that it would be all soo much easier if I just turned to behaviours to get me through this uncomfortable feeling, adjusting phase. But will that really help amanda, will. No OF COURSE IT WONT.

So I give myself credit for lots of things instead.

1. Im sticking by my mantra-fake it till you make. I feel like I know what Im doing as each day passes. I need to give myself time and patience, I mean come on Rome wasn't built in a day. I tell my students that so I need to listen to my own advice.

2. I feel like Im trusting myself more and more. And while the voice is convincing me that Im doing otherwise, it is just a lie. I am me, myself, amanda, Ms. J. I can do this.

3.I asked for help when I really felt out of my depth. That took alot of courage to ask a supervisor who is really scary.

4. Im pacing myself, taking one day at a time. Each day has its own challenges and I will deal with them head on but I can only do this if I am properly nourished.

5. Even in all this uncomfortableness, I did not once turn to behaviours. While the voice tempted me on many occasion , I stopped, thought of how I would feel if I did engage in behaviours and decided it wasnt going to get me anywhere apart from hating myself that I wasnt strong enough to ignore this strange feeling inside of me.

6. I feel lost in recovery true, but I know that my confidence is growing more and more and maybe that is enough for recovery at the moment. Maybe I am expecting too much from myself at the moment and that this small thing is fine for now.

7. Secretly, I am very proud of myself for getting this far already. I truly never believed I would make it here, soo more bucket loads of credit to Ms. J here. Go you, you are a star.

I am alive, here, present in the moment and even if I dont like this uncomfortable, nervous feeling in my stomach it will pass, it wont be here forever.

I can cope, I can cope, I can cope. This too shall pass just fake it until I make it and Im already there

amanda xxx