facing fears: Food family and meals!!!!

I did it. sounds weird but its true. i went for first time to a family dinner!!!! it had its challenges but it was nice to not have to lie about why i couldnt go, or for my parents to have to lie or even to have to make up excuses for why i went but didnt eat. at the same time a part me was angry the old me the condition me for giving in and going and eating and not been the good one or one in control but thats condition and i have no time for B******* in recovery. thats condition created reality. all the fears are condition created reality. so i thought id post of what helped:

- having knowledge does not mean you have to cope alone, i asked for help. i spent all last night panicing and crying by thinking i could do this alone so today i asked for advise and just said im scared!there is no shame in askin for help and no shame in been afraid. having knowledge doesnt mean we make the best food choices either as a careworker said yes i have knowledge but i also have condition.

- when i felt scared or anxious or like running down the street or out the place i told myself i feel anxious and thats ok, i cant exactly deal with it now but im acknowledging it and it kinda helped.

- Self talk: i deserve to be here, i can do it, i need energy, noone is lookin at my body or plate, focus on how far you have come not on the past.

- noone did look at my plate or body( although as twisted as ed is he made this out to mean i had in fact gained weight. again condition created reality- this one liner really helps me).

- focusing on others: yes i noticed what and when they ate but i also noticed how much more they ate than me and they didnt freak out or beat them selves up they had firsts seconds and thirds and the kids well they had plenty more. they were all having a good time even though there was people and food involved.

- get involved in converation: i had wanted to sit beside my ma but i got there early and someone took the sit i had saved which paniced me a lot but my auntie just so happens to be the most interesting and funny person in the world so she kept me entertained and more able to focus on the social aspect of the day.

- imagine some person on your support team there,or keep there voice in your head, for example i pictured 2 people there, one who kept tellin me how i was brave for going, what the food is used for, what to get or a rough idea etc and the other reminding me of how to eat, protein first then salad etc.....

- kids: when i started to get very overwhelmed i went over to play with my cousins.it reminded me of there wonder and amazement at all they ate or the simple toys they had or how they love company and attention.

- have a reason to go: for me it was my grandas bday and the fact he is goin away for christmas. that way the day was not about me as ed said but him and a chance for the family to get together.

- do something nice you enjoy after, i went to a market with my parents i guess thats normal to not run around like crazy after a meal out and i didnt really trust myself so they unknowingly kept me busy and safe!

it wasnt perfect, i did see how i still rely on ed or rituals to feel safe around nourishin my body but i worked really hard to not use them or at least be aware of them. yes i surrounded by diet talk there was also much more interesting people around the table. and i realised that just cause i took a big step or ate it doesnt make me recovered, i wasnt free doing it or feel feel i simply managed and had help to do so and i want so much more than that. i still dotn enjoy these events or look forward to them but today showed me that it doesnt kill me and also i still have a lot to work on. people dont get higher expectations of me just cause i did this they are just proud of me for doing it. and i guess im kinda proud of me too, this was on my list of dreams a year ago :)