ED may not always be part of my life but...

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Tue, 26/07/2011 - 20:25
Michelle
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Something significant happened for me yesterday. It wasn't entirely awful, but certainly noe entirely pleasant either. I'd say I felt 50/50 about the experience, but with that mixture came necessary learning.

Here it is: While ED will definitely NOT remain a part of who I am or an element of my daily life, in the future, I cannot deny the fact that it will always remain something that HAS BEEN part of me.

I realised yesterday that I was trying to rush to a place where ED no longer played any role at all in my decisions or experiences. It is important for me to aspire to this, but I need to appreciate that I'm not there yet and, while I can do my utmost to get there, I can't decide I'm there when I'm not.

By jumping ahead of myself, out of sheer impatience to be fully free, I hurt someone important to me. I expected more of myself than I could yet give, and by being unfair to myself in this way, I treated this person unfairly. I actually acted out of denial, which surprised me when I saw that this was what had happened.

It was patiently, kindly pointed out to me that I shouldn't have felt I needed to act like ED wasn't there. At first, I didn't like the sound of this at all, but it is the simple truth. It doesn't mean I'm still 'sick', it just means I'm not 100% without the condition yet. And, as I said, by essentially pretending I was, I treated someone lovely unfairly.

It is ok to acknowledge ED's presence in my life, and to recognise that into the future, it will remain part of who I've grown into, not in an unhealthy,but in a formative way. It is important that I don't misinterpret the slogan 'Act recovered, be recovered'. This is helpful, but must be understood for what it really means - ie a 'repeated theory becomes fact' approach. NOT denying where you actually are currently.

I hope this makes sense to people. I felt the need to share it.

Thanks for reading,
Michelle

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Tue, 26/07/2011 - 22:01
#1
Dory
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Thanks for posting this.i

Thanks for posting this.i thought that slogan 'act recovered' meant denying a problem, something that kinda just led to more denail and unwilling to accept problems in some areas or behaviours and denyin where i am and how i feel. i guess im still learning how to deal with condition adn changing how i feel without going into 'im fine' teratory. i think and maybe partof it for me is that i get frustrated that i can see a bit more of the ed in my life now not all of it but more than before, in he decisions, behaving, thinking etc.. and this annoys me that i cant have peace of mind or enjoy things or just be happy and just smile and not be hiding a secret or be battling my f***** head at the same time. so i guess for me sometimes its easy to misinterpret slogans for me as its a desire to escape ed and recovery possibly. i know i lack patance as you have pointed out and want to be perfect and there not in the grey area or learning stage. i actually find my biggest lows are when there is too much pressure, and when im tryin to be better and stronger than i am. i dont mean been weak all time but i mean over ex estimating what i can handle or deal with it. i no im one them ppl who insists to myself that i can cope on my own, the girl so scared to ask for help she will say its ''al grand ill be fine see you soon'' cause thats recovered living. i think its great you can see it and that you have helped me see it too.so that you can determine what recovery is for you and not condition version. thanks xxxx

There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.

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Thu, 28/07/2011 - 08:17
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butterfly
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Hi Michelle, This is

Hi Michelle,

This is something i could have written about last week. I think like in other parts of my life or a very old ingrained habit of mine was and is to put pressure on myself. At the moment or before something happened last week that took me right back to the hear and now i was putting too much pressure on myself to be fully free. My language and my thghts were that i should not be thinking or feeling or doing certain things for where i am in recovery and berating myslef. This is just added ppressure. Its ok to admit and accept. Think of having had ED as a good thing, imagine all the people you can inform, all the people you can help. I am now so grateful as i know i will be free, or what otehrs call enlightened. It amazes me when i talk to friends how little knowledge is out there and how huge appearance, size, whatever has become a value, we can be the change we want to see in the world, be proud of who you are, where you haev come and all you have to offer Michelle, your a gem
Love butterfly xx

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