A difference of opinion
So i was having dinner with my boyfriend last night and we were having a chat about stuff going on at the moment in my life. My dad has had a bit of a health scare and is in process of lots of tests. I am coping ok, but i think i am just numb to it all until i had a one to one and i just broke down. I am very afriad and i know it is the senstivity that is heightening how i am reacting and what i feel i 'should;' do to help everything and everyone. Anyway we got onto the topic of death and losing someone and he said something that really angered me, it was so blase (cant put the hypen thing over the e on this comp!!), but i didnt bring it up how i felt about the comment. I thought what the f***!! How could someone be so insensitive, when he sees im genuinely worried and also i thght well uv obviously never lost someone. I feel very annoyed and my head goes into ohhh well we obviously are not suited if he thinks like that. He was maybe trying to be positive and saying listen you cant know until tests are done, and that whatever will be will be, that u just cope and get on with it, that it could be anything. But then basically he went on to say that when ur old these things happen, death is going to happen eventually, i am just so annoyed by this, is it not ok to worry, to mourn someone who you lost when younger, to have fears about what will happen with other members of the family. Im not scared about this with my dad at this moment, but it was more a general thing we were talking about. Im so annoyed i didnt express how i felt, i always find expressing myslef hard, then i feel the resentment after, and i can let it build up..is this just sensitivity and what do i do with it, or on other hand am i being unreasonable???
Sorry for the rant, i guess i am catastrophizing thinking now is he emotioanlly unavailable??
Love Cara xx
Hi Cara, first thing is that YES it is ok to mourn someone you lost when you were younger, to worry when a family member is sick and to have some fears for the future about the people you love. this is complelty normal.
Also i have learned that boys say the most stupid of things at times. they put things so so simply that it can seem so insensitive. that is definitely something i found hardest to deal with in past relationships. they really are from Mars ya know! And maybe he actually hasnt lost someoe he's loved and cannot fully understand how it must feel.
though from all your other posts he does seem like a wonderful guy.but no one is perfect as you know, so maybe he didnt realise the effect his words had on you.
i'm also dealing with anger at the minute but in a completely different context and it not a nice feeling. it does feel so overwhelming. maybe have another talk with him today about how his choice of words affected you. He may have been tired and not thinking good. dont let the anger continue to bubble away.
Aideenxxx
Hi Cara
What jumps out at me from your post is that, this guy, is just a regular guy, from what you say he was trying to be reassuring and made a hash of it! Also your anger sounds like panic and worry about your Dad, perhaps misdirected at the poor chap! And maybe a bit of overexamining of what he said, a guy will always steer off heavy emotional stuff, that does not make him emotionally unavailable, just a normal guy, not perfect, just a regular person, not dysfunctional , not outright insensitive, just said an insensitive thing in that moment. You have had experiences that he hasn't had and so you know what it feels like.
But having said that, its okay to be anxious and upset and worried and confused and nit picking etc..., you've plenty of reason to be, but don't write him off as he didn't have the ideal response to your need at that time. Teach him, show him, help him, that way he'll be aware next time around. Or maybe not. My experience is that guys need a few lessons in this area!!
PS my dad was very unwell recently and I totally lost the plot, crazy woman and no one could do or say right and when I look back, I realise how much in stress mode I was.
kiz
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hi girls thanks so much for your responses and putting things in perspective for me, there is no way i would be writing him off as hes great and i think i was jumping in ahead of myself thinking he was insensitive, i think both of you are right, men react differently but also he was trying to comfort me in a way, so to ease the worry and stress, i think he is very laid back and thats what was what he was trying to put across rather than needlessly worry about something that hasnt even happened, there is huge learnings for me in this, relax, let go and trust!! Thanks girls as im so happy i just cant expect perfection,
Love Cara xx