denial

Hi all

i think i have been dwelling a bit in victimhood still waiting waiting for people to do it for me to show me the quick fix i have been recovering but i realise a lot more work needs to be done on certain thingsi have been hiding in a bit of denial thinking oh i will be patient recovery will happen im doing enough work i read i read all the theory i am ticking lots of boxes, im letting go bits and peaces dibbling and dabbling with what feels cofortable and one day it will fall from a cloud and then ill be free.

but if im honest i finally realised its not just gonna happen i gotta do it i gotta walk the talk, its only me that can change things actually do it, peopole can help and support but at the end of the day its me who is livin its my life others can give advice and offer advice from there experience say what they did but at the end of the day its me who knows whats condition and me who knows what is Caitriona. i still ask questions like shud i do yoga? shud i exercise? can i eat more ? bla bla stupid little things that that i know it all comes down to whats the driving force what is the motivatin who wants to do it and what is the purpose and i always know

god lik i always know and i also always know when it switches from being a want to to a must do like ed can make everything into an obsession from relaxation to recovery work all of it but i am not a powerless victim of my mind i am the master

am not invincible, i am not able for for any more, i just simpoly dont have the energy nor do i even wnat to even go near ed anymore i want to live. i am at the stage where weight gain all the fears i just kinda look at them and think so what?? doesnt bother me all i want is health and to live to feel to be free t

i need to be honest with myself i have been holding back and deceiving myself i KNOW deep down when it is condition and when it is me but i just wait for other people to tell me i am not confused ot stuck just honest i have been in denial deceiving others and myself I did not want to let go. Im still SO SO SO SO CONTROLLING AND RIGID IN WAYS AND REALLY NOT GIVING MY 100% WALKING THE TALK

IT IS MY LIFE I GOTTA MUSTER UP ALL THE GUMPTION AND REAL COURAGE THAT IS IN SIDE I DONT WANNA LOOK BACK IN 5 YEARS STILL DEALING WITH SAME NITTY GRITTY ISSUES BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN THE SAME ISSUES FOR SO SO LONG AND I HOLD THE ANSWERS

I really want to get out there and live LET GO LET GOEXPERIENCE LIFE HAVE FUN BE SPNTANEOUS AND NOT LET MY LIFE BE OVERTAKEN BY NUMBERS RULES PLANS OR DOING DOING DOING TO FEEL PRODUCTIVE AND GOOD ENOUGH

I HAVE NOT BEEN 100% HONEST WITH MYSELF OR OTHERS BUT THAT IS CHANGING I HAVE BEEN HOLDING ON TO BITS OF THE CONDITION I DID NOT WANT TO LET GO ODF BITS

I HAVE SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE AND RECOVERY CAN ONLY BRING ME SO MUCH MORE I HAVE AN AMAZING FAMILY FRIENDS A JOB I LOVE AND MY HEALTH HAS NOT BEEN AFFECTED I WANT TO LIVE A LONG HEALTHY FREE LIFE I REALLY DONT WANT TO STAY IN THIS BATTLE ANY MORE BUT THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH

WITH ALL MY LOVE

CAITRIONA