Dear you

Dear you,

Well, my dear one. Here we are, smack down in the middle of your journey of life. Has it been hard, you bet. But well worth it. I remember vaguely when you were born. You were so so small, and you had this lovely head of chestnut brown hair. Within an hour, your little sister and brother were in to see you and they gave you that little puppy dog that you still have to this very day. I am sure convinced that that was what gave you your love for animals.

I know my dear one, that the begining of your life was not easy. Within 2 weeks of being born you were back in hospital and everybody feared you were going to die. It was a fault with your kidneys and although you cannot or do not believe that your parents love you now, back then you could smell their fear, taste their salty tears out of fear that they were going to lose you. Believe me dear one, think back to that time, and you will see that they can and do love you, just in a way that maybe you cannot see or understand.

Fastforward yourself to your school years. I know you hated school dear one. You were always nervous. always choking back the tears on the way into those gates. Nobody could understand why you were always so nervous and pani all the time. Everybod just said you were of a nervous disposition. But my dear one, look at you today. You know that it was that ED voice in your head, even if you weren't gentle with yourself back then , you can be now. Now you put a hand on your heart, think back to all those dreaded times in school and you go damn easy on yoself!!! Be kind to you now because you didn't have the emotional maturity to be kind to you back then.

I know that when the behaviours started my dear that life was hard. I think now you are becoming more and more aware of yourself that you have the words to say how you felt at that time. Life was lonely, cold, hard. You struggled day in day out to get up in the morning, put on the smile get through the leaving cert, debs, college and even Paris too. Because Paris wasn't all fun and games, I do realise that. You constantly felt that people didn't care, that if you let people in that you would lose them just as quick. You know what, you know now that even if you lose people, you are your own best friend, as long as you stay true o yourself you will never be alone.

My how you have grown into the natural flower that you always were, you just couldnt be until now. I really think that you should give yourself the biggest hug, because I know you always crave them but now more than anyone else, you can comfort and soothe yourslef. You have learnt so much about yourself and whats more important you are STILL LEARNING. You love your job, even on the tough stressful days. And you just said it there, your job, a teacher. Think back to the dark days when you paniced not knowing if you would ever make it to your dream job. You believed that you would never be capable of taking a young persons life into your hands, your beautifully soft small hands by the way :). But you are doing it, thats right girl- il say it again, you are doing it. You are living and proving to yourself that you are capable of anythin. You held up your degree and pstgrad certificate, you graduated alongside your peers. True, you never truly fitted in with the others, but you are doing and achieving all that you ever wanted.

Dear one, you are smart and charming. You discovered that you love to sing and really lose yourself when you write. You stride down the street, with those earphones in your ears, but most importantly its not to block out that voice, but to listen to words and notes and music and identify different feelings. You see colours in words and pictures in music. You feel happy and sad and anxious and excited all within an hour. Thats right dear one, you feel!! And you dont run away from those feelings, you embrace, deal and move on. Life is not stagnant and with each day you are realising more and more that you mst simply LIVE LIFE, not wait for it to begin. It has already begun the day you were born, your just a little bit slow to catch onto that. But thats cool, you have started now.

Where dear one, will you be in 10 years time. Only time will tell. I know you do have those little dreams when you are feeling comfortable within your own skin. Dear one, you will live in a beautiful stone walled cottage in the country, but near the sea also. It will have that warm, fuzzy felling when you walk in and you will be greeted by a beautiful cavelier king charles and a golden retriever. Your little boy and girl will run to you and you will give Isabelle and Zak the biggest hug ever, wanting to take in their beautiful child smell in each time. You will visit the four corners of the earth- swim with dolphins, meet the brown bears of canada, drink tea in India, pray in Russia and surf in Australia. I know these are your dreams now my dear, in ten years they will be your memories of things gone in the past. Because like everything else in your life, you have that unquenching sense of strength which makes all your dreams come true. You will stroll down the beach, holding hand in hand with your husband, talking about your day, communicating every moment of your day with a sense of joy having seen the end of each day knowing it wasnt a struggle, but an opportunity to find out more and more about yourself.

Look at how far you have come in every aspect of your life and remember that you will always have more to teach yourself. We are constantly changing, our brains tick 20, 000 seconds a minute, just think 20, 000 thoughts, new ideas, new lesson plans, new activites with your children. You will give everything to those children, every hug, every kiss, every playtime. You will be there for them, they will never feel unsafe, unwanted, unloved. You will have learned from apst experiences and past mistakes and will not repeat those mistakes.

Most importantly dear one, you never and will never forget the simplicity of life. Life is as simple as you make it. No worry is too much, no rough patch, no health scare will ever stop making life simple unless you let it. This is the amanda I can see in 10 years time. You will look at the green hills, the rolling waves, the dogs splashing in the puddles, the children playing ring a ring a rosie in the backyard and always remind yourself that you are here, you are present, you are taking a breath and life is fun, simple always manageable. Your memeory of that voice that once invaded your head is but a distant memory now in 10 yrs time. It almost seems like a distant horror movie and you cant quite recogines the person you see in it, but you know her, you know her by her soft warm heart on the inside.

Life is but simple, warm, kind. Amanda, I am so so proud of you. I have no words to describe my proudness of you. You never believed in yourself but now you do. You have so much hope inside of you, so much life to live, so much love to offer. I give you a big hit on the back- full of credit of course, because I think you still dont believe or give enough credit to show yourself how far you have come. Believe it, you did it- just a little bit further to go.

I am my own light. I am my own guide. I am me

amanda xxx