constantly obsessing
I guess i shall start with the title Obsessing. I cannot stop obsessing about food, weight and thinness. I have come so far in recovery and yet it is this area where I am completely stumped. I realised this yesterday whilst in work. There is a girl in work who I am pretty sure has got ED. And I want to help her alot but at the same time I am envious and jealous of her. I look at how thin she is and I want that. It made me realise that I still hold the value of thiness as so important to me. I can hand on heart admit that whenever a women walks into the shop, I scrutinise her, how thin she is, do I look bigger or smaller than her, what my ideal weight would be. And you know, I know all the real things that there is no ideal weight with ED, that Im looking way too much into it, I look at thr food that people buy and decide whether its good and bad, even though I know there is no such thing as good and bad food. If I get a 'fat' moment or feeling, I resolve to go do a bit of exercise the next day, even if I dont do the exercise, its still all on my mind. My god, this is all so headwrecking.
I stick to my meal plan, yet constantly worry that one day I will just keep eating and eating and I wont know how to stop. I get up in the morning and I have to check in the mirror that I havnt put on any weight. I know that all this sounds crazy, I admit it is crazy but I feel so stuck. Everyone keeps saying trust your body, it knows what its doing, but how can you trust something that you completely hate. And I realise that its all very negative self-talk, so I keep repeating to myself that I have to trust my body, that I accept myself as I am. I hear fully recovered people say this doesnt worry them anymore, but I feel like maybe I will just 'manage' this part of me.
I feel like I have more to say, just dont know how to word it
amandaxxx
You're not alone Amanda. But, the good news is that this too passes. Passes is the wrong word maybe because I don't think that you suddenly wake up one day and stop obsessing, but it moves gradually further away from the forefront of your mind.
One thing I find useful when the obsession creeps up on me (for example, standing in a shop and a skinny girl is in the line in front of me), when this happens I immediately think back on how 'happy' I was at my thinnest: I was god damn miserable. Reminding myself of the 'reality' of how I was at my thinnest makes me instantaneously stop romanticizing thinness in general because it makes me realise that the skinny girl that I'm admiring has a story of her own and me looking at her, thinking 'because she's thin she's happy', isn't necessarily true; and is more than likely completely false.
Does this make sense? I find it helpful to be real and to remind myself of how utterly terrible having no energy, being moody, being hungry, having headaches - i.e being thin - really was for me.
Sorry for preaching. Hope this helps.
x
Hi amanda
I too do all those things, watch others who are skinny and wonder what they eat, what they do and long to follow them around for a week to mirror them. I read labels, I read magazine articles, look online and watch TV weightloss junk. Condition loves it, that distorted part of me indulges big time in it. And I too cannot imagine not being this way.It take discipline to not do these things and some I just cannot help but do over and over.
But having said that, as Marie says , just because you cannot see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Just because I cannot imagine living a different way, free from obsessing doesn't mean it won't happen. Many of my theories around recovery have been turned on their head and confused, great isn't it!! So really even though I can't quite see it happening, or believe it will happen for me , that all that type of stuff will fade away, I do keep a doubt in my mind, maybe , just maybe. And thats good enough for now. Just keep rattling ED's cage and you never know!!
kiz
It will happen Kizzy, have faith. I'm not there yet (not by a long shot) but it's happening and I'm getting there. Change is possible. It's possible for you too.
If you can't imagine not obsessing at the moment then maybe just try distraction! Distracting yourself by literally doing something that occupies the body and mind and doesn't give you time to get lost in your own thoughts (interaction with others is always good) or if you're alone, then distract by lying to yourself. Lie and tell yourself, in your head or out loud, that you don't VALUE thinness. You mightn't believe it but lying is distracting and will weaken the obsession at the very least.
Keep on saying it or thinking it enough and it will eventually come true.
Chins up ladies!
Oh Amanda love i'm so similar in work people eat whatever they want or if there are sweets ill know who had them and whats left, and i always wonder do the exercise, if so what, how are they like hat yet eat that blah blah blah....or my friends if they are doing courses i want to know what they did or if they went or not etc....
its such a waste of time and energy and leaves me more stressed and anxious. i'm pretty sure they don't think about what i eat or exercise i do, and even if i know would it make a difference to me and my life? would i be any happier knowing? would i be any happier living there life movement by movement bite for bite? not at all, the ed would it would be in heaven..... what i have noticed though is that people go on and on about diets and exercise yet then tuck into a bag of sweets or what ever biscuits are in the office so they talk a lot of s****! They don't walk the talk so they are happy they are not obsessing or miserable but living and probably only talk bout it cause thats what other people do. i just try and drown out there talk with something else like my favorite song or get stuck into some work. When im out i try think is she happy, what kind of life does she have, i wonder where she is going, i hope she is not going home to be miserable with an ed, is she lonely or happy, i wonder where she has traveled, to look outside appearance to life and life experiences. if all else fails i use my senses gay as it sounds. i focus on me like can i feel my feet or the rain or wind or sun, how many flowers can i see, can i hear ppl talking kids playing etc, distractions, real life distractions. i think of ppl in my family who think i was perfect and perfectly happy yet inside i was dying for something more crying out for help. can we really use appearances to determine anything.
In lanzarote i learnt a lot about comparing an how far of the mark i was, the people i thought didnt eat did eat a lot more than i thought, but i watched them live and get excited about life . i looked for life in there eyes moments where they where living and in complete and utter bliss. i stopped seeing them as bodies even the other sufferes over there thre was less of a competition, they are ppl they have personalities we had fun.
went on a bit of a ramble but hope that helps a bit. it takes work a lot of work but after a while ppl start to look normal and not what they ate or the like....
CiARA XXXXXX
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