competing conditions

Today while on a errand I met a girl I kind of know, who has ED and has been in and out of treatment a bit , on one occasion with me. Today, when I met her, she was visibly in very poor shape, very emaciated and she was out powerwalking with her young child. She had that deeply haunted look of hunger and anxiety. I took a double take.
Now I am still very early in my journey and struggle with my behaviours. Today I had started my day with positive affirmations, was all pumped up to not abuse my body and really challenge condition with mealplan progression etc. Well I felt a deep pang in my gut, a wrench, when I saw her. "Oh my God, she looks terrible, she is close to death, she must be, I must be weaker, I'm being soft on myself, I've gone all soft and lazy, I'm choosing to rest and eat, Oh my God, Oh my God, I'm failing at ED, she's skin and bone , I should be skin and bone, I don't look sick anymore, panic panic, panic!!"
I went on home, very down and out, this is something you're going to meet every day Kiz, its a mugs game to compete for looking the most ill. I felt torn, I want to be in her place of numbness, yet I know she's facing alot of fortisips to get herself out of the hole she's dug! I remind myself what Clodagh said last session, this time next year, I'll be glad I started today, this time next year, do I really want to be where I am today, well what am I doing about it, what can I do today.
It remained in my mind for the day, partly a longing to be back in the apparent safety of condition, but largely pity and sadness as I know her pain.
Today I was very brave, I did not go to the gym, I gave my body rest and nutrition, so very badly needed. Today I was offered to share some BB's muffin and I SAID YES. I am very proud of myself today, I SAID YES TO LIFE, NO TO DEPRIVATION. I white knuckled it and it wasn't so bad. I feel especially brave as I did all that despite meeting that girl and having that knawing ignited this am. I don't need a malnourished body to tell the world my troubles, I can find another way. Just because I self care, doesn't mean I don't suffer deeply,that I'm not fragile and sensitive, but I can and I will find other ways to reassure myself , to protect myself , to set boundaries for myself. I am choosing recovery, behaviour seems so pointless and unevolved right now. I hope to keep this flow of thoughts, down with condition, this girl is finding her strength.
Thanks today to my wonderful therapists and care workers, the ice is shifting a tad!!
kiz