Challenging old values...

I think for so long been me and in my body was too tramatic for me so i disconnected and completely detached. now its like im drifting back into my body and for first time in it and its terrifying. so im havin to challenging that value of thinness. i thought that by now , that with knowledge would come freedom from wanting to be thin from the judgements of my mind and condition but that did not happen. i guess its important for me to remember is that when i was thin and sick i wasnt happy. and its ok to cry or be upset and ask for help either in doing what needs to be done or with accepting myself. it doesnt help that im also experencing a lot of stomach probs and its gettin me down.

i have come so far since i started recovery, i notice more, i gained knowledge and am learning how to put it into action with ups and downs no failing just lessons. i have learnt to trust people people that my ed and i decided i would never let in ie my Therapists and nutritionist and careworkers, things i want like being involved in my family, college courses, nites out with friends etc... im not there yet but im getting there. i stopped hurting myself and as much as it is tempting to go back i know its so much braver to be where i am and push forward than to retreat back into old behavioursor numb any uncomfortable feelings or self hate.

i have reached this point so many times than paniced and quit and gave up on myself this time i wanna fight no matter what the condition throws at me or says to me. recovering from ed and accepting myself is probly the biggiest challange i have faced and will face in my life but jaysus if this discomfort has any purpose, its that i hate ed i hate how it makes me feel i hate every part of it and i want it gone.

it helps to have small goals, ideas of things to do a reason to get up in the morning. i have too big things coming up. one my bday and two a day out with my ma and sisters and im scared i wanna feel a bit more confident by then, and do something i could never have imagined before, to go out for a meal with them, and go a night out and ENJOY IT. its a bit away but its giving me a focus to the next few weeks.

i think today and lately as im puttin more and more effort into recovery even if i dont win everyday, still trying every new day or moment that comes, i am seeing that just casue i have knowledge doesnt mean i dont deserve help. i do i need help as i learn to make permanent changes and to stay on track and to change the old beliefs ie thinness and sickness and to move forward. im determined to stay strong and reach out and not carry secrets or shame around with me. if i came this far i can go further.

been thin is not self worth its an illusion!
been thin is not an achievement nor does it make me deserving or good enough, it is never enough and a lie.
as i discover more about me and start to like me i wont need this condition value.
been thin or wanting to be thin has never made me happy.
i am more than my body. i have a personality.
am i scared to let this value go even though it hurts me and leaves me in tears or hunger too fearful to give my body what it needs, yes ,but difference from then and now is i want to be free so i am trustin in all who say its safe and its worth it.