A bit lost...
Hi everyone...
In the last couple of weeks I seem to have hit a brick wall in recovery.. It's as if something is telling me 'this is as far as it goes' and I can't get any further along the road. I suppose i'm just feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed and finding it so hard to find the motivation to go on. I find it easier to write in words how I feel rather than saying them out loud.. So thank u Iceberg. I'm pretty bad at expressing in sessions but this week it's as if condition is telling me to keep my mouth shut and just agree with everything yet not taking anything in if that makes sense. Thankfully I had a carework session today and was reminded of things to work towards and got a bit of reality check.
One thing that happened during the week was a situation in work which has been playing on my mind ever since. I was on my own and the place I work got robbed. At the time it didn't really hit me, yes i was very scared, as i had sensed that something was going to happen but I was able to put on a brave face afterwards and pretend that everything was ok I could deal with it, spoke to the police, co workers, etc how I was grand, but afterwards it really hit me and I can't stop thinking about it, how these guys could have had a knife/gun anything and it just makes me feel more vulnerable the more I think about it.. Hopefully writing on here might get rid of some of the anxiety around it and the thoughts of a similar situation happening again. I now see every customer as a potential theif and not to be trusted and feel like they're going to target me of course I'm an easy target. Is this just condition playing with my mind overanalysing everything as usual?
I dont know but I think im feeling incredibly numb at the minute and that situation seems to have made things ten times worse with trusting people, trusting myself and my own judgement, in opening up to people, difficulty with 'friends' and family. Everything just seems a bit magnified. Sorry if im not making sense. I'm letting everything get in front of recovery.
Anyway sorry for the rant... I know i have to get back on track if i can now.. and trying to tell myself 'this too shall pass' . I don't know where I would be without Marino and Iceberg. Im so grateful. I have a few tips written down that I'm going to keep reading over to help me get out of this hole and back on the road to recovery. If anyone has some tips i'd appreciate anything and I will add them to the few i already have. If not, thank you for taking the time to read.. :)
Penny xx
Thank you for your post, Penny
It all makes complete sense and there is nothing in your words that is not clear, despite your feeling a bit lost...
It makes perfect sense.
Hitting a brick wall is something that happened me again and again during recovery and I often felt stunned and lost for words in sessions.
But hey, you were perfectly able to spit it out here, and you were perfectly able to reach out now, so take this as a very positive step and give yourself the due credit for this.
Moments where you feel 'lost' or 'confused' are usually moments where you are processing inside. Something inside is working hard on making sense with your current situation.
I am not surprised that this horrible incident at work gave you a knock. Anybody in your situation, with or without the condition, would feel the after effects of insecurity and loss of trust. This is a normal reaction, not only ed related.
Jaysus, of course it is scary, when you think it through afterwards.
One very important thing you can learn from this situation straight away is:
You coped with the situation very well when it happened, you were able to go through police interviews and speaking to co-workers. Well done!!! You can see how you actually can trust yourself to do the right thing!
The aftershock only sets in when it is all over, then your knees become jelly and you feel overwhelmed all of a sudden.
I think it would be very important to speak about this to a representative in work, your underlying fears that are creeping in now, as a consequence of this incident. There has to be somebody to debrief you and you are in need for this. Anybody else in your position would.
Don't ever let these thieves/people take over power in your mind, you are stronger than them, they have no power over you and your beautiful mind, and neither let them jeopardise your progress in recovery.
Reach out and be proud of you that you do, you deserve it.
I am glad you wrote this. Challenging life situations are there to be challenged. And you will realise, coming out from this, that you are stronger than you think you are and you are able to cope.
Sending you a big warm supportive hug, Penny...
You are beginning to deal with this, and doing this very well!!
Love and chin up,
xxx Robin xxx
Hi Penny wow this must have been very difficult and its no wonder you r feeling as you are. What really jumped out of me in your post is senstivity. Like you i often take a while to react to things happening, for example, i would just get on with the things that are in front of me, and then after i have done what has to be done i feel. Its like a slower reaction but really it just means things affect us a little deeper than others and this may necver go away. I was lying in bed this morning not able to sleep and my sleep has been quite affected lately, i need to get into a routine of doing some yoga before bed as it really helped me when i did this on Monday night i feel straight asleep..anyway at the moment my mind and life is busy so i am noticing how sesitive i am feelin or u can swap the word sensitive with overwhelmed in some situations. What i am trying to get at is that u are feeling. You say u feel lost of stuck, but really this only highlights that u are n ot feeling as numb as u are actually feeling things instead of just sweeping everyting under the carpet and getting on with things like condition, behaviours etc. WE have all gone thru periods of feeling stuck honey and its nearly part and parcel of recovery..what can you do about it, have patience, look at areas that maybe need a lil work, maybe self care and self trust like ur therapist said.things are moving it just may not be as fast as we sometimes want..
Hope u have a lovely relaxing wkd and do smtg nice for u
Love Butterfly xx
Hi Penny
I can really relate to your post. I am going through a challenging time at the moment, its almost as if recovery have become stagnant or as you described 'as good as it gets'.I know if I put all my energy into thinking negatively, complaining, panicking etc then stagnant my recovery will stay. So I need to ask myself how can I change this situation? What can I do to make myself feel better?
I also have to acknowledge that life wont always be 'perfect'. Everyone goes through periods when they feel a bit down in the dumps. I think the most important thing is to learn what can help to make us feel better. I am slowly building up my own collection of tools which help me to overcome challenging times. Some of these include; Taking photos, watching a film, enjoying a nice relaxing bath, listening to music, browsing the internet for events or places I would like to go,
i can relate a lot to feeling lost, lately i am so overwhelmed and panicked that i feel like im in my own world drifting a lot to do with a slip in behaviours too hoping id feel less lost , ed only exagorates the problem. enough of that though i have found it good to even go the cinema, i might not follow the whole film but its a break form life where time kind of stops for me, from the craziness when noises or cars or people annoy me or i cant connect witht the world or move as fast as it, and for me has become somewhere i can just be and get away from it all. i find it easier than getting a DVD personally. a careworker told me that sometimes i need to simply ask for direction, to get back on the right road, i really suggest as was suggested to me to make a list of all the reasons however small you want recovery or wanted it to refocus and pull yourself out of condition thinking. i didnt tell people i felt this way not til i felt awful and i was in tears so i think its amazing you could come here and so clearly say whats wrong. one thing thats helping me is slightly weird but here goes anyway, i try focus on takin one step at a time as in just keeping one foot in front of the other, maybe that step is a thought or a meal or a session, or going out to do anything to distract me and make me feel a bit better. night times if its worse i draw or write out whats in my head so i can hopefully rest.
Thanks cherry and dora, glad you're able to relate and that im making some sort of sense..! Love some of you're ideas. I like the one about writing down what's in your head at night because I would find night times harder aswell.. I don't know i don't feel brave or proud being able to write this because in my head im saying 'sure anyone can write their opinion in words' so I actually admire that you can voice how you're feeling even if it is to the point of tears! well done.. Haven't got to the point yet of being able to go to the cinema but would definately like to.. something is still holding me back there.
Iceberg Ads
The Wellbeing FoundationCentral to the Wellbeing Foundation approach is the concept of human sustainability, which focuses on and embraces the unique response each individual makes to life's challenges. www.wellbeingfoundation.com/ |
Jam Art FactoryJam Art Factory is a gallery and design shop which aims to promote up and coming Irish based artists and designers. In keeping with the artistic vibe we will be hosting live acoustic music sessions on Saturday afternoons.www.jamartfactory.com/ |
Iceberg Online
Thank u so much for the replies. Thanks for the reassurance :) It's nice to start the day with such kind words, I will have to print them out. :) True when you put it like that Robin.. I suppose i'm all in my head that everything has to be ed related when that's not always true...
Had another sleepless night last night, feel like a zombie going in to work now.. I feel like I'm letting things hold me back from recovery too much and making me feel like the work i have done was pointless.. Right now I don't even have energy for behaviours, which is probably a good thing! So i'll push to use the weekend for pro recovery and self care and hopefully next week will be different and I can move on.. Thanks again xx