Being honest with myself!
Hello beautiful people!
K so the past week has been one of great learning. If I could some it up in one word it would be frustration....frustration is permeating the life of everyone around me.I can sense it in my parents, in my friends, to a small degree in my therapists and especially in me. I'm far enough along in recovery to be able to distinguish that the frustration is not aimed at me, it's not Sara people are frustrated with, it's the condition. The exception perhaps being me....I have to admit that I am feeling frustrated with myself. Most of my frustration was stemming from the fact that I was feeling like a fraud. I felt like I was talking the talk without walking the walk. I felt like I was shouting from the rooftops "I want recovery" and then going home and giving condition a big hug. I mean if I wanted recovery surely I would just abandon behaviours?
So it kinda hit me the other night and I think it's the first time I've really been honest with myself but I have to admit it to myself.....I don't want to give up condition. That's not to say I don't want recovery, I DO I DO I DO I DO!!! But I'm sick of being in denial, it saps so much of my energy, and I just want to be honest with myself and admit that there's a part of me that still wants condition. There's a part of me that stops me from throwing myself completely into recovery, there's a part of me that wants to hold onto condition for just a little bit longer. There's a part of me says "not now its too soon to give it all up"! Now I know looking in from the outside you could say that these thoughts are condition thoughts....and they are....but they are also my thoughts and I want to accept them and not hide from them and not feel guilty for having them. It's kind of like I am condition but condition is not me! The condition thoughts are my thoughts, I create them, but in the end condition thoughts do not define me, I know I am better than them. Being able to admit this to myself has really been a huge relief and really liberating. A lot of the frustration I was feeling towards myself dissolved as soon as I was honest with myself. And you know what I actually accept myself for having these thoughts. I accept myself today for feeling like I want to hold onto condition a little bit longer, because I know that one day I won't. I know one day I'll be able to shout from the rooftop "I want Recovery" and really really mean it and not feel like I'm saying it to try to convince myself that I do. So I'm being honest with myself and not beating myself up for thinking this way. I know the 'right' thing is to want recovery all the time. But I'm human and sometimes we like things that are bad for us, even though we know they hurt us and make us miserable. And the ironic thing is as soon as I accepted myself for still wanting to hold onto condition I found myself making really positive changes and there and then I overcame a major hurdle I had regarding nutrition. I suppose the saying 'Acceptance facilitates Change' really is true. So thats me, the good, the bad and the ugly. My next step I suppose is to think "Why is it I don't want to give up condition?" "What purpose does condition have in my life?" But I'm not gonna rush myself to figure all this out. I'm just sick of beating myself up so I think I deserve a break. Sorry if anyone has found this post a bit negative but its me and its real!
Happy Halloween my fellow Icebergers, time to scare off condition! :)
Love Sa x
Hun i have been thinkin this for ages and ages but i no why i still want it. I am scared of my body health change life esp life . I still fight for recovery still want it but its done wit regret guilt. I still see myself as failin but everyday i have t say givin up something bad is not failin. It will sink in. I tink too for me not plannin and just goin wit life acceptin imperfection and embracing differences and me is a huge terror for me but now for me the frustration comes cause to stay here where its safe but painful and miserable hurts so much more than taking chances so im takin baby steps to get out. ie i can get through the next hour, the next case at work, i can get through lunch simple achieveble goals so when i do id i can say i did it i survived yay... and i feel motivated to move onto the next.... Sometimes i feel bad a lot of the time i compare to the old me but then i dunno now i laugh more now i cry more i feel i see beauty in more real things not ppl in condition. There like my pay off. Like now every night i can see the stars as i have a smoke t unwind i never noticed that before or wen im stuck in condition. I can tink bit clearer which feels better but bit weird all the same. I also after havin it pointed out see it now i just have so much self doubt and fear of trust in me and others that i hold myself back. I decided yesterday to look for inspiration purely in my therapists who i know too well and like and respect too much to compare to in an ed way and who are livin and breathing recovery and life rather than people at work my head convinces me are normal and livin free. Its all fear i have reached a point in many senses that to stay in fear is literally a death sentence and also leaves me even more scared. The fear of goin back to how life was is huge but there is no inbetween. Only forward. So i also decided to just trust those who everytime i struggle pick me up who always encourage me and help me and show they care and that they will be there if i struggle as i let go. they will get me me there i believe that i truat there words its me that stands in the way... Ed never made me happy even tho it can and does convince me it did. I found a quote the other day that fits me perfectly. I used t tink god ed wont you ever let me go. But the quote said- i wont leave til you leave.... So i chose despite all doubt and fears t leave! right now for me i have decided to stop going about it arseways and complicating things, simplicity works, small goals and challenges to keep my spirit up, simple setences, gettin my markers out and writing affirmations on every bit of wall free, recovery cds, collages, remembering somones smile or hug when feel sad or alone in work. today it became clear the choice is mine they will wait patiently for me and help me along the way but unless i kick the ed out and not hold onto parts of it then it is me that chooses to remain here. you deserve more and so do i!
Forgot t say the fact that you can be in a place that you want recovery and yes maybe like me you then go in and out of wantin and not wantin but 6 months ago i no for me i never new a place where i wanted it so that in itself it worth credit. I no i am proud of the work i did t create that world for myself now time t make it bigger and comfy and homey and bright and my own and slowly leave that of condition. Now im done sorry. k this had another part but its gone??????? cant remeber what it said now ...... :(
Well done Saldo,
Acceptance and honesty are so important in recovery, and so is not beating yourself up or feeling bad about feeling certain things that you feel you 'should' be 'over'.
This is something that pops up for everyone in recovery and repeatedly at all stages of the journey. There is no shame, no guilt necessary, only acceptance and honesty - we have all been there. Honesty is the first step to making a change in life - from there on out it is just about the baby steps which you seem to be tackling very well.
Well done - what a great post - very strong real and not negative at all - just honest, real and courageous.
Big pat on the back saldo,
Martha x x
Thanks so much Martha really appreciate all the support. It's funny it's not until someone else gives you credit that you realise that you deserve some...so I'm patting my back as we speak :)
Love Sa x
Iceberg Ads
Marino Therapy CentreSpecialists in finalising recovery from eating disorders and 1st Irish Member of International Academy of Eating Disorders.www.marinotherapycentre.com |
The Wellbeing FoundationCentral to the Wellbeing Foundation approach is the concept of human sustainability, which focuses on and embraces the unique response each individual makes to life's challenges. www.wellbeingfoundation.com/ |
Iceberg Online
Completely on the same wavelength here dora!Its kind of like condition is an excuse to hide away from life! The thoughts of being responsible for my own life is terrifying. For years I've put myself under so so much pressure to live the very best possible life (whatever the hell that was). Now the thoughts of living any kind of life at all chokes me with fear. BUT you're right it has to be baby steps all the way....love what you were saying bout looking at the stars too....I can't think of a better way to be mindful and to start living in the here and now!
Night night,
Sa x
Freedom Freedom Freedom!x