Anxious over food intake - Relapse into old behaviours?
Hi! Need some advice, please...
I just had semolina pudding for dinner with loads (okay maybe not loads but I consider it too much) of honey, treacle and some homemade stewed fruit...I feel kind of guilty about it. I don't know is this sudden craving for sugar normal? Maybe my body really wanted/needed it?
My problem is that I used to binge-eat a lot before anorexia and now that I started to change my nutrition to get healthy I seem to indulge in all these foods such as bananas, peanut butter, eggs, nuts, olive oil, honey etc. I used to deny myself even though I loved them. My body really seems to go for them at the moment... Also I have the impression that I eat so much more all of a sudden and I find it strange that it doesn't really feel any different (I don't feel overly full or stuffed) except that I'm never left hungry or starved...
Is this normal/okay or am I just looking for excuses in anorexia to eat all these foods again... Am I starting to binge again or is it normal during the first days/weeks to be a bit greedy because the body has been abstained from proper eating for so long...? When I just had dinner I first wanted to deny myself the stewed fruit but something said 'Come on, lets eat it' and afterwards I felt somehow satisfied but there was also a tiny voice that said: 'Hey, you screwed up again, this is not okay, now lets go for some more food, doesn't matter anymore...' This is really frightening me... I instantly called my mum (who supports my recovery a lot) and told her about my feeling worried and guilty and she reassured me it was okay and that my body obviously must have needed it..
I just have the impression that I'm overdoing it, because normally everyone would advise to avoid eating too much of these foods (too much fat, too much sugar, not too many calories for dinner, bla bla bla...) I really want to get healthy and neither starve nor become a binge-eater again. I'm so worried I might, because above all it's exam time now and I'm even more nervous than usually:-(
Do you think I might be doing wrong? Falling back into old behaviours...? Or will my need (=greed?) for food stabilise after some time?
Another thing that makes me doubt so much is that I don't consider myself THAT ill... I mean there are others who have starved themselves much much more for a much longer time, who are extremely underweight.
I'm clearly underweight, I have no period, my hair falls out, my nails are brittle, I lack concentration, my thoughts circle around food... but I've never been admitted to hospital and I guess there are really worse cases...so am I actually REALLY anorexic at all? I have this feeling that it will be just a couple more days and my weight will be 'normal' but my mind not and that I'll start bingeing again and become overweight...what is the matter with me?
Really sorry for this awful post, I hope it will be approved...I could really need some advice, please;-(
It's just that I've had the impression I was doing so well with all my new goals and I was proud of myself for taking the risk of becoming healthy but now after three days of trying to include high-calorie foods I used to restrict (foods that might be healthy and nutritious but still...) I start doubting and am getting suspicious that something might not be right...:-(
Is all this normal or should I be more careful?
Lots of Love
Rose
Hi Rose,
I want to say that you are not a label. "Anorexia" "bulemia" are only labels. You are an individual and you need to get curious about ROSE and who she is, what she likes and is about. Please dont let the condition try to catogorise you and take your individuality.
You are not greedy at all, the condition is. Physically, after restricting your body will crave fuel more frequently as it repairs and restores. I experienced the same thing myself and I know how hard this feels, god its very scarey and you feel so alone with it all. I did. But you are not alone and you can get to a place where food is not the enemy. I dont know your situation but it would be good to see a nutritionist at marino to help.
I hope you can see you are more than this condition and look beyond the behaviors, however distressing they are, trust you deserve more and dont ever feel the need to compare or be as "sick" as someone else. Everyone deserves support and distress and pain manifest in all shapes and sizes, genders and cultures.
Lots of love and support ro x
Dear Rose,
I agree with ro, it is important to start focusing on ROSE and what ROSE likes and dislikes, and what ROSES dreams are and what she delights in and what makes her heart sing...
The condition has been taking over your thinking and feeling and thus behaviour for long enough.
The condition likes questioning any action that you do for ROSE, the condition over analyses and lies to you, it distorts your thinking and creates fears where there is nothing to fear about.
One very important thing I would like to say:
Talking about condition in great detail, and the things it does to you and how it destroys your body and what health consequences you have from this and what behaviours you have or don't have is not very helpful, neither for yourself nor for others who are reading it. The condition is a very competitive monster and the problem is, that whatever you compete with, you will never ever win. You are never thin enough, never sick enough, never good enough, never bad enough, never "anorexic" enough, never "bulimic" enough, never "over eating" enough, never bad enough to deserve treatment, never good enough to take part in life...
And the more you write down how bad you apparently are, and the more you focus on these condition-guided negative sides of you...the more they will torture you.
BUT, and that is important, it will also focus other readers on these negative condition things as well...and may trigger the competitiveness in somebody else's condition.
Focus instead on:
You are doing fantastic work there, you are beginning to nourish yourself better, this is wonderful and it is a big step towards health and recovery. Do not get impatient with your beautiful self. Of course the condition starts to scream more now, it feels in danger of being thrown out of your mind - which is exactly what your goal is, a life free form ED, full of confidence, peace of mind...
So, with you doing the exact opposite of what the condition wants, you are doing great and you are winning.
But it is important to get professional support as well, as in therapists to talk to, a nutritionist, going to a group session. And it is helpful to start finding other things to focus on than just food, numbers, weight and your body. At the moment these figures will be completely distorted by the condition anyway, and when you are free, they are not important any more... Start thinking about life, about what ROSE likes or dislikes, about what ROSE dreams about...
You are ok, Rose, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AND THERE NEVER WAS!!!
Keep it up, read old posts, start being kind to yourself...
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
Hi Robin!
Sorry, for posting about the condition in such detail! I really don't mean to focus on the ED but on recovery and myself, on what my body really wants etc.
I'm just so worried that since I started to increase my food intake and started listening to my body i'm not sure anymore whether it's really the body that is asking for nutrition or whether it's just the old (binge-) ED-voice that wants to talk me into overeating. I really have something little to eat now every 1 1/2 - 2 hours and I'm just a bit suspicious. I try to see it as an experiment but I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing or actually starting to overeat again. I do however feel a lot better healthwise...
Today I called a nutritionist to get an appointment and Marie gave me the tip to try the nutritional skype session service of MTC...I hope this could help me because I don't think I can handle my nutrition for recovery all on my own - despite all the great nutrition tips from other icebergers, because I'm not sure whether all these things apply to me. I think a customised meal plan might help and also take a bit of all the anxiety.
Of course I'll keep working on myself, on ROSE, trying to get to know her and to change negative thoughts into good ones to one day live a happier life without ED...That's why I'm seeing a therapist every two weeks who works with me on mental issues.
Good for you Rose,
you are going against condition head on, this takes great courage and will pay out later, so do not forget to give yourself the credit for this.
I know the nutrition side of recovery can be very challenging, but you are doing the right thing in reaching out and in regarding it as an experiment. This is the best you can do at the moment.
I know that the regular eating at the moment seems very scary for you after such a long time of restricting. And the fear of going back to other behaviours is only natural after such a long time of distorted eating and thinking.
However, rest assured that it will balance out in time.
You need the food as fuel for your body, your brain, your repairing and restoring health. But it is equally important that you work on your thoughts about the food and also thoughts about your body. Realise that you are beautiful inside and out, find your own talents, your creativity, start to appreciate your body for everything it does for you, and turn away from any focus on size or weight.
Your body will find the right balance. For this it needs something of everything, protein, carbohydrate, fats, trace elements, minerals, vitamins...
I am delighted that you are reaching out and getting help from all angles.
The condition is very complex and you are beginning to bombard it from every angle, fantastic!! This shows your determination to get better, go for it!
Be patient with yourself, you are doing great. Be proud of yourself!!! I am ;-)
Love, and a big hug of support,
xxx Robin xxx
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Thanks so much ro:-)
Yeah...I should really be working on my self-esteem and try to believe more in recovery.
I'd love to see a nutritionist from marino but unfortunately I live in another country and there's no chance of ever going to go marino. Right now I'm only seeing a therapist every second week and I had a medical check-up twice and it somehow seems to be too little. However this website already helps me a lot!!:-)
However I'm planning to do something about the nutritionist thing tomorrow. It seems kind of difficult to get help with nutrition in my country unless you're hospitalised. But I think it's really time now to do something as I'm getting very upset about the regular eating thing - planning and preparing meals/snacks every 2/3 hours is just so exhausting and I'm already considering to trust ED more because it's easier simply not to eat despite the discomfort in my tummy...
Lots of love
Rose