acceptance

Marie quick posted " Today accept yourself with the same compassion you would show a small child". I find that very hard. Yesterday was full of behaviours and family rows, finally ending with one member storming off to another room having said some harsh things. I cried myself to sleep, feeling very hopeless, a failure, and full of shame , self loathing and guilt.
Its difficult to separate out which actions are blameworthy and which are condition controlled, but at the end of the day they're all my actions and no one else is doing the behaviours, no one else is entertaining the distorted thinking. So I blame myself right now.
Accepting myself , what does that mean? Accepting bad behaviour, accepting my human weakness, accepting my imperfections. Bad behaviour, condition behaviour , is not really acceptable longterm, but right now I accept that I am working at it and it is not easy. Condition behaviour and thinking is unacceptable to my family, however and so I do have to bear the brunt of their frustrations at times. Thats hard and degrading.
Sensitivity makes it all the harder as I take these outbursts very much to heart and right now am very down and bruised.
Treat yourself with compassion, well I don't like much about myself today, being compassionate is difficult if I stay in this line of thinking. You're enmeshed in condition thinking and behaviour right now, if you keep making small efforts to challenge this , then you can't be that bad. But distorted thinking will always tell me I'm not trying hard enough , that I'm not doing enough, that I'm a fraud and a cheat and deserve every mouthful of abuse that comes my way.
I feel overwhelmed and guilty, maybe they are right in what they say, that I am that disrespectful , self absorbed, etc.. . How do you know, I don't know anymore.
Tormented and confused. All I can do is keep my head down, go to work, hope family cool off and work at self forgiveness. Kiz I know you're not all those bad things, this moment will pass.
kiz