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family frustration
Am not sure what to do with myself. Was just at the receiving end of a family member venting all their frustrations at me. This person feels angry, frustrated, pre occupied, alone, disrespected, uncared for, that there is little to grasp any hope from and that person does not know where to turn next, is fed up with therapy, fed up with being patient, sees no end in sight and as for seeking refuge in Iceberg, felt why bother any more. All this was dumped on my doorstep and hands up, am guilty as charged for my contribution to these feelings, guilty, as am bogged down in condition and cannot be the family member this person needs me to be.
Am frozen since, paralysed, cannot let myself get sucked in to this persons distress as I know it brings me further into condition, I get all caught up in guilt and making amends, trying to make the other person feel alright. I don't know what to do. I really don't know anymore, I get so confused. Part of me thinks well I'm doing my best, or am I? Is this person entitled to vent like this, maybe so , but I'm not sure what I can do to speed up recovery. Part of me is angry at this person or maybe at myself, but actually all the things I am accused of inflicting on this person I am experiencing myself. I too am lonely frustrated etc
What to do? Nothing , right now I guess, just keep working on recovery. It's hard to bear witness to family distress and not be torn up about it.
Any ideas?
Distraught member
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Comments
Negative people
Hi DELIGHTFUL, HOPEFUL, PEACE-MAKING, KIND, COMPASSIONATE, Member,
If possible, try and attend a Tuesday night group in Marino. It has been discussed recently by very inspiring women (including Claire who replied here) in recovery regarding detaching ourselves from a negative family.
I've written a bit about families here, http://eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/april/29/privacy-dilemma and here http://eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/april/26/tips-family-friends#comment-2493. I've realised that it's all about my vibration than what I say. Meaning if deep down I hold resentment or anger; somebody could make me feel more angry. Saying that, especially in early and even finalising stages of recovery, there are some people we are probably better off detaching from as much as possible, as their negativity can drag us way down.
Recovery for me is not about blaming others, but learning to be our own happiness support system and try our best to be happy, no matter what. I'm learning not to judge others as we have no idea what is going through their minds. Recently there have been two situations in my life where friends have been complaining so much about someone I didn't know... later on when I found out some serious life issues of one particular girl, I was so shocked that people could possibly take her bad moods as a personal insult.
So my reply in a nutshell is
1. Develop your compassion for those who are suffering. We as ED sufferers know too well that when we feel really bad, it can be more different to be happy and smiley.
2. Detach yourself from their angriness. Maybe she had a really day or something you said triggered off a traumatic memory from childhood. You haven't a clue what goes on in other peoples' heads.
Don't take the insults personally!! If someone wants to give you a gift and you don't want it, who owns it then?
3. Do whatever it takes to get happy! For me personally, if I've been around a person who is not feeling the best, what I do is go to my room and put on cheesy happy music. It is so vital to our recovery to do whatever it takes to get happy and feel good!!
4. Pray for their happiness. I think we can put too much emphasis on peoples' negative aspects... but I think that ultimately it feels better to wish for their happiness and success. That doesn't mean that we must fix them, rather detach ourselves from their issues and pray for their happiness.
As you get better later in your recovery, negative people may not bother you as much. As you said yourself, "all the things I am accused of inflicting on this person I am experiencing myself. I too am lonely frustrated etc". The better I get, the happier my family happen to be around me or else I just accept that they are not feeling the best after a bad day in work etc but not take any remarks personally.
Lots of love,
Princess C
super stuff
hey guys great replies, and to anon like the girls i'm right there with you when it comes to these very confusing very upsetting situations, one situation in particular that breaks my heart still with my family happened last june and although i wasn't in the 'wrong' let's say all their fear worry and anger i took on and blamed myself. Claire couldn't be more spot on - we aren't responsible for how others live, react like h said nor how they feel, sometimes i feel that means i'm uncaring or irresponsible or something but why let someone else's confusion negativity unhappiness set the tone. People say do everyone a favour and it's all you have to do live happy yourself and you unconsciously give others permission to do the same. This really is one of my biggest lessons i learn something from this every second day until one day i accept it. To soothe myself in this situation i just took a whole lot of time out and let other people self soothe too - just watched meet the fockers!! Don't they call this tough love or something! Whatever it is none of us were put here with more power than another more responsibility - walking away is powerful, liberating, freeing thanks so much for this post and the replies girls. Like the famous irish cider - time - time dedicated to you - you have as much a right as any other living breathing soul to call time out. All the best with this but it's already started to heal, you're both still alive and will get lots of experience from it. Love Joyce
Action
Ow Gosh i remember having plenty of those fights, delightful, and great feeding ground for the condition....firstly can i say do not buy into the guilt, this person is only venting because they feel they cannot help you in any way, and they are afraid for you, it is their fear and love for you that has caused this build up of frustration and it has come this way..a blow out..so what to do....
1. Action: For you and your recovery you need to be doing plenty of action for your freedom, and show this person that yes you are committed and you are doing it. Use them as a motivator to recover so that you will not have to go through any more of those awful family feuds...
2. If possible ask that person to do something with you, be it sit with you at mealtime and talk, or bring you for a drive, or you know bring you out for coffee, and just spend time with them, talking about random stuff, but not the condition.
3. Reassure the person, that you appreciate their love and support, and you can see that they are frustrated, but that you are doing your best, and make sure that you are doing your best, freedom takes time, and you are doing your best, and maybe after this maybe you could suggest ways for them to support you, not feeding into the condition, but rather to do stuff with you to take your time off the condition....
just some ideas, hope they help
have patience..action talks louder than words, so make sure theres plenty of that, and after all that remember you cant chose your family, sometimes you just got to ignore them and concentrate on your freedom....
chin up
emerh
Guilt- an unaffordable luxury
Hi lovely,
Think you've answered your question there at the end, but with regards to witnessing families distress, just keep in mind "what can I do about it" and "what is HELPFUL for me right now".
The biggest favour that you can do for yourself, and for them is to work on your recovery and get where you deserve to get.
You are only responsible for yourself, for YOUR OWN reactions, their reaction is theirs,it is very much a their own interpretation and reaction tho, not yours.
Keep remembering that, everone is responsible for their own reactions, How very very liberating!!
YOu'll get there for yourself, for them.....but we all make mistakes, all flip the lid, all say some things we wished we didnt....they're no different!
Its hard to do, Im not pretending its easy,but do your best to take this on the chin, you'll be doing both of you a favour to not react, and not let this hold you back. I've bin in a very similar situation, more than a few times, but now I'm the far side......we've all grown, all blossomed, and most importantly, we've all benefitted!!
Guilt is a luxury we cannot afford!
Besta luck, and lotsa hugs.......take care of you!
H
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
-- Havelock Ellis
Empathy
Hi there.
I have experienced something similar in my own family. Although there are other ED sufferers in my family, this is not acknowledged (as my ED is not acknowledged) and I am the only person seeking treatment. However I strongly relate to feeling responsible for the emotional well-being of others in my family. I am presuming you are talking about another adult in your family (as opposed to a child).
When I've been "accused" by one family member in particular, and become the scapegoat for all her problems, the best response that I have found over the years is to reflect on it myself, as graciously and calmly and fairly as I can, and then apologise for any harm that I actually may have caused, and try to desist from any patterns of unhelpful behaviour. There have been times where I was at fault, but there are equally times when I have done nothing wrong at all, except be a safe person to shout at and reject. You might be someone to whom it seems safe to be unkind, because you are kind yourself.
After any appropriate communication of apology, there is nothing else I can do, and I need to take a step back. I am not responsible for how anyone else feels. I am not responsible for anyone else's health, mental or physical. I must create boundaries in my life, mental, physical and emotional, to guard myself from being dragged down by the problems of others. We cannot actively love our family members if we are walking dishrags ourselves. There is self-sacrifice, which is part of any loving relationship, but then again then there is co-dependency and/or abusive or manipulative behaviour, that needs to be outright rejected.
Many of the relationships in my family are very damaged and broken. I cannot affect this. However I can decide how much I am willing to allow this brokenness to affect me and my recovery and my happiness. Although I cannot flick a switch that stops me loving these people (and would not want to) I now recognise that loving them does not need to involve changing them...or even having their approval. If they are angry with me for simply being me, that is too bad.
This might not have been relevant or helpful to you at all, I'm sorry! Do remember in all this that your recovery is very important and that you matter very much, no matter what harsh things have been said to you.
All the very best,
Claire