time, recovery and learning to love myself

This time 3 years ago I was deep in the ED behaviours driving myself insane. I was SO hopeless, lost, drained and driven half demented from the non stop, never ending, unforgiving and brutal thinking that ED inflicted on my life. I cried every day. I was in utter despair at the place my life had brought me, without even the slighest glimpse of hope or help from outside the tiny pressure-cooker that is ED.

This time 2 years ago I was even more depressed and desperate for help. I looked in all the wrong places, and even while I screamed out for help, I lived in fear of living without this tormenting monster, ED. Every single day was a battle field filled with all kinds of obstacles. I was fighting against my own inner voice. ED versus the inner voice that was trying to keep my body alive. I was lost, confused and utterly exhausted from all this chaos and anxiety. I got very good at maths from all the counting I was doing too ;) ED congratulated me for this.

This time one year ago, I found Marino and my life changed. I was challenged in the best way possible: my ED had finally met its match. This past year has been a psychologically and physically challenging year. But every ounce of energy that I put into my recovery was one more ounce of happiness and clarity that I thank my lucky stars for every day!

I find myself FINALLY at a stage where I accept myself, I enjoy food, I actually LIKE my body!!! I love my life, and what's even more staggering is that I'm actually able to live it and make decisions for my own wellbeing every day.

On a night out, if I'm tired, I call it an early night without thinking that this would make me uncool. I no longer think 'i should be this way, or that way...or any other way.

I am who I am. My body is gorgeous and special. It is my gift. A beautiful and INCREDIBLE gift that will bring me on all the exciting adventures that are in store for me.

I feel good. I take care of myself and listen to my body. My poor little body that I've abused so much is still in shock. Everything seems to be going wrong health-wise because one year into recovery my body is finally getting a chance to breath and take a break from survival mode.

WHO CARES whether I put on weight?! I'm at my natural set point so if I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, that's unlikely to happen anyway. But if it does, who cares?! Nobody notices. If they do, who cares?! Am i living MY life, or someone else's??!

I have a real life filled with real relationships. I didn't have this when I was in ED because I wasn't being real, so I was attracting the wrong types of friendships. But now I'm comfortable with who I am.

We played a game among my friends where we went around the room and one my one we all chose one thing we loved about each person in the room. When my round came, I was a bit anxious...I always get uncomfortable when people are talking about me, a shyness I guess :) But as they were saying the things they liked about me, size or appearance never even entered anyone's train of thought. The same goes for any of the others: would it be acceptable for me to say, 'Jane, I like you because you fit into a tight pair of jeans..' HA! Can you imagine people's reaction?!?! The truth is people don't give ONE moments thought to appearance when they think about their relationships. Words like, 'fun, funny, kind, generous, intelligent, thoughtful, spontaneous, loving, cheeky, adventurous, sweet, strong-minded, passionate' filled the conversation. The things that we all liked about each other were about the PEOPLE inside the bodies.

Personally, I couldn't care less about their bodies, so why would I care about the size of my own?!

I am a WOMAN. I have bumps and a bum. And I can honestly say I actually LIKE it!!! :) :) :)

I was on the dart and I saw someone who looked VERY slim. But now I see that differently. What would have seemed ideal to me 6 months ago now looks gaunt and frail. She looked like a child. And I felt sexy in my healthy, strong, natural body.

I don't wanna look unhealthy. When I looked at this girl, I saw grey. Frailty comes with thinness. And with frailty comes exhaustion and dizziness and short-tempered reactions and sadness.

When I let my body be healthy, I OPENED UP MY WORLD. I let in colour and adventure and happiness and honesty and BEING REAL and acceptance and love and trust and true beauty and healthy judgement and TRUTH. This is life.

I was living in a darkened, frail , GREY, TINY world. When I opened up my world, I let in so many beautiful people and experiences and LOVE. Love for others and myself. And I'm loved in turn. But until I opened up my world, I couldn't feel any of this love. All I could feel was the ED and its control on my life.

WOW... time is incredible. And so is recovery.

I'm SO proud of how far I've come, and all I want to do is continue to open up my world even more... no more self-limiting beliefs, no more self-doubt and anxiety. I will accept. I will love, and by GOD, I WILL LIVE!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

xx LC