To be free

Hi All, I've been having a good few hectic weeks. Up very early, busy schedule etc and really living. Alas the more I do this the more I see, hear, feel the nitty gritty appear. Also when I am hungry lonely tired etc. I cried my eyes out today. Marie once accurately described rejection as re direction I couldn't agree more however I recently failed my test driving test and also received a no from something I had poured my heart into, and also someone very very dear to me is very near to heaven so say the doctors. I feel now I could cry all night. I don't feel sorry for myself however or helpless or think God when will I get a break or please pity me but am being realistic - I can re sit my test no bother and there isn't just one boats but many many boats. It feels amazing to cry as I feel like I'm allowing me to be human not super human. Also I'm glad that I am not in any way feeling negative or hard done by as this is life, redirection, patience and death and loss are all inevitable parts of life and no I'm not running. This post probably seems incoherent but all of these things make me value myself before another, and to actually credit instead of debit myself, stop people pleasing, over analysing, ignoring my instincts and to actually go with the river of life as opposed to hold fast to some manufactured conception of how it should be. A kind of up yours to the control aspect. This morning while having breakfast with my sister who has an ed I participated in the whole who can eat less rubbish. I felt the anger, unhealthy competition and spite. Are you not having more and that if I was this would condone the croissant she so fancied. So I decided to not eat more just to please her - this is all so ed, a contraption of distorted thoughts - I felt 8 times my body size then but I know this is an area I have the strength and determination and tools to overcome. I'd like a little break as I feel between life challenges and constant bubbling to the surface of the nitty gritty I'm becoming overwhelmed and yet I so see what free means to be and all the current stuff highlights urge distance left to travel. Whilst I feel so emotional I know it'll come togeter that Ill live free. I don't think this makes sense but I just hope for and hope that I'm nearer than I feel x joyce