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Looking for "Sickness" - What a pile of rubbish!!!

Hi Icebergers,

Just wanted to write about something I need to get off my chest and was wondering if some  recovered /fully free people could help me with this one.

I have recently recovered from the E.D. but there are still one or two things that show me that I have still not acheived 'full freedom' from the condition yet and that I still have some finalising to do. The thing showing me this at the moment is that I still zone in on people's 'sickness'  or unnatural thinness when I walk down the street.  It doesn't happen in the centre or anything like that but only in public situations. It's funny because I often hear about this mentioned in the centre or on iceberg - how we value looking sick in the condition - and I always thought that this wasn't as strong for me as for others here... but obviously that wasn't the case.

My boyfriend showed me some photos of a wedding he was at last week and he mentioned that the thought that the bride had an ED. As I was looking at the photos I found myself looking at how sick she was, looking out for ridiculous things like "how good she was at her ED" , the size of her arms instead of looking at all the other people in the photos and at the lovely, joyous occassion that it clearly was. The truth is I feel deep sympathy for this women, for the suffering that she is clearly going through, as I have been there and I know my real self does not care about any of this "thinness" or "sickness" stuff.

I don't know why I am zoning in on this still. Sickness is not my idea of beauty. It is not what I want.  I don't think overly "skinny" people look any better. I am not experiencing issues with my body at the moment - I am accepting of it and am in quite a happy place at the moment in general. So this thought is frustrating me. I am making an effort not to beat myself up about this though as "guilt is a luxury I can not affoard". Also, I think that if I am having such inner conflict with this thought then it is obviously something that I don't accept or want, it is wholely subconscious, and not the real me, i.e. it is part of the condition so I can't blame myself for it, I can only reject it and make my best effort to remedy it. Coming on here and talking about it is a good first step.

I am finding myself looking at people and then this anxiety rises in me straight afterwards even before I make any comparison and then as soon as I realise this is happening I put up the STOP SIGN and don't let it go any further. It might happen a few times a day though, usually when I am coming and going from work as opposed to in other areas of my life come to think of it. I have a few ideas of why this could be happening:

- Stress or disatisfaction in my job might be contributing and it might be a symptom of this just the same way as some recovered people were saying "fat thoughts" are often a symptom of another stress and not to do with the body itself. Maybe it's nothing to do with body image at all rather a symptom of another issue in my life, but I don't really know if this is the case or not...

- It could be a habit I just need to learn to break. Even though I am frustrated that the STOP SIGN isn't stopping it fully now, it might be a case that REPEATED THEORY BECOMES FACT. Lots of subconscious work will turn this red thought into a green thought.

Come to think about it it might be a combination of the two factors above in fact.

I know that this will eventually go away but I would really like some advice from others on what helped them or if they have been through the same at the later stages or when recovered but not yet fully free yet? For those of you who are worried that this is what full recovery might be like - have no fear. These thoughts do go. - I am sure of it, so please don't be alarmed by this post. This is just the fact that I am not fully free yet, but full freedom does exist for everyone, me and you included.

We will get there.

"This too shall pass" shall be my mantra for this right now because I know it will.

Thanks for reading everyone.

x x

Comments

I know what you mean. My

Submitted on July 15th, 2010

I know what you mean.

My 'real' self, the majority of my hopes and wishes, my intelligent, logical, pro-life side wants nothing but a healthy body and mind to enjoy life with, and pities and wants to help those who aren't fully healthy. But somewhere deep in me is this horrible value on thinness, this ridiculous equation: skinny = strong + special.

No 'look' serves my happiness. I know that.

The smaller I try to make my body, the smaller a life I will have.

There are far greater things to value - family, friends, experience, relaxation, enjoyment, trust, uniqueness, and REAL strength are just some I can think of off the top of my head.

I know that skinniness does not equal strength.

Strength = Faith that I will succeed in earning a 100% free and independent existence; growing comfortable enough in myself to be able to support others too, because I look after all that matters in my own life, meaning I have energy "left over" to help others.

I know that skinniness does not equal being special.

We are all special. Really and truly, the world could not function as it does without each and every one of us. Even fruitflies have a purpose and are irreplaceable in their place in the ecosystem. (Apologies for any scientific inaccuracies in that statement, but you get my meaning!)

We are all needed, whatever we look like. We are all unique, and brilliant at being ourselves only, no one else.

None of  a human's inherent strength and worth is affected by his/her appearance.

None of my strength and worth is affected by my appearance.

And the most attractive people of all are those who are comfortable in themselves, and let themselves be. Because 'just being' is fine. in fact, it's wonderful.

Thank you for sparking this train of thought in me. I didn't feel great when I came on-line, but I've just got a surge of pro-life energy from being prompted to think this way - it's so much more realistic than trying to fit into an unhealthy body that isn't the real, strong me.

All the best to you, and you are right in saying that this will pass. In my experience, it always does,

Michelle x 

"These thoughts do go"- YES they do!!

Submitted on July 15th, 2010

Hello Iceberger,

This is what we call here at the ashram, "The dark knight of the soul".  You've recovered from ED, but that doesn't mean that the challenges and tricks will disappear.

Don't over-analyse these thoughts, just spend more time in nature or silence and let the thoughts float and melt away...

Lots of love,

Princess C