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ANOTHER HURDLE/PROBLEM

troopers,

so i have been plodding along nicely for the last few months but was finding it hard but recently have been doing better but over the last week for the first time in two years it was not about me . my dad has been in really bad form and i had been dealing with it really well cause b4 i would have personalised it whereas now i cleared it up with him that its not about me... it was hard to deal with because for so long any problems over the last two yrs were my fault and everyone jus blamed maeve whereas now they dont know who to blame .. but i still feel so bad because partly it is me because i have put such a strain on family life over the past two years.. then yestererday i arrived home to find the tense silence of everyone sitting around.. my dad broke into tears and said he is nt happy and does nt know why... you see my dad for so long jus worked constantly 24/7 and now he says he does nt know what he wants and he is not happy at home.. so long story short my dad has left for a week to figure out whether he wants to stay living at home.. he said it was nothing to do with me but i know it does because it has to .. for so long i was the burden .. i put a strain on mom and dads relationship and yes i still have the condition but am working thru it .. it was such a shock because my dad was always the big strong man who cud handle anything.. never showed emotion.. i am actually doin ok because i dont resent him at all it has been clear he is not happy at home and has made the atmosphere uncomfortable but i just thought we were all happy families and i was the cause of every problem in our family . personally i actually respected dad for being human and crying because my dad has bottled stuff up for so long nothing is ever a problemm . my mom is unreal she is so calm because she is such a strong woman . you see my mom has changed so much in the last year she has grown so much and i think my dad has found that hard to deal with because for so long he was in charge.. truthfully im in awe that im dealing ok with this because it is such a surprise maybe i think deep down i know it might be the right thing and for all i know my dad i might have a better relationship outside the home .. he might come home in a week too and realise it is here he wants to be i dunno but i think its unfair on both mom and dad if he comes bak and does nt love her.. secretly i love my dad more because he was honest and showed he actually does feel stuff.... i just have to try and stay focused on my recovery and not use it as an excuse to wallow in self pity... im in such shock and the mo i dont know what to think ......... thanks for listeningxxxxxxxxxxxxx  maeve

Comments

reply to Maeve

Submitted on July 2nd, 2010

Maeve,I read once that in rearing our children, we mend our own hurts. I believe there is some truth in that. Perhaps your Dad, witnessing your journey now needs to make his own now. When you were more unwell he did not have to focus on his own issues. By you getting better and living as your authentic self, you give him permission to do similarly. But its painful to witness a loved one suffering and not want to jump in to fix it or take the blame. I learned this lesson witnessing  a loved one wrangle with alcohol abuse. it took alot of self discipline and still does, for me to keep myself out of his stuff. I can only work on myself and by doing so I give those around me licence to find their true and better selves.For a long time I was also the fall guy for all things wrong in the family, but thats not the whole truth, I certainly add to others stress, and perhaps it suited them that I did and still do. But I no longer hold myself wholly responsible for how those around me react or feel, again takes alot of self discipline, condition prefers me to blame myself. But condition has enough amunition as it is! So even though it seems bad, I thinks its good, your Dad will figure out whats right for him, regardless. So well done for staying on track with recovery. s

Big big big big hug xxx

Submitted on July 2nd, 2010

Hi Maeve,

I think you're great in how you are dealing with this xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It will pass and as you say crying and being open especially for a father are really brave things to do.

Lots of tlc - funny movies, using your five senses, let the week pass as normal, maybe do some craft work like jewellery making, make homemade lemonade - all the fresh vitamin C!!! Call an old friend.

I think you are very brave and I really want to give you a big hug of support and love - everything works out xxxxxxxxxx

Joyce