Becoming the person I am supposed to be...

If you haven't read Saoirse's post 'No Fear is Not Living', read it! The idea of myself recovered has on and off, eluded me, confused me, daunted me, and annoyed me. It's only recently that I've become able to be excited about it. And Saoirse's definition of being recovered -becoming the person you are meant to be - is a very encouraging one.
I've been told many times that it's hard to make progress toward a goal that you can only vaguely see, and I increasingly understand how true that is. So, i'm glad to say, I can see 'the person I am meant to be' more clearly now than ever.
But what I really need to do at the minute is keep making myself look this goal - as in, pulling my face over to look at it, the way my nephew turns my head so that i'm paying attention to him when he wants to show me something! I need to look at it in the morning, before I even think a fully-formed thought or do the usual things i do to begin my day; I need to look at it every time i'm faced with even a minor decision that can be either pro- or anti-Michelle; I need to look at it when I feel I've done something badly, and want to bash myself over the head for it; I need to look at it, at every opportunity, so that i never forget why i'm doing it.
It comes back to Eimear's 'conscious living'. I need to be conscious of the right things, as much of the time as possible. I need to remember where I'm going, so that I don't forget to keep making my way there! Aaah, I need to do all this!
I'm sorry, I should explain the 'Aah'. Does anyone else come onto Iceberg because they want to make sure they 'check in with' recovery for the day, but end up annoying themselves with what they say? I feel like I should be telling you all how brilliantly I've been doing and, like Saoirse and so many others, about the wonderful learnings I'm acquiring as I live my increasingly normal life.
But my life is not normal. I'm still dominated by the old rules..they exist in a different form but they come from the same distorted idea of how I 'should' be. How do i keep the focus on the goal and use it to motivate me, as I just went on and on about needing to do a paragraph ago?
I'm sorry about going from positive to negative. I just feel like such a fraud. I should be recovered. I can't still be where I am, it isn't acceptable. I know that word won't sit with people who read this. Maybe it's unacceptable in itself! But it's how I feel. I come on this site to keep up the commitment but it just makes me feel more and more that I shouldn't even need to anymore. I should have committed myself a long time ago, and be living now, so that I can tell inspirational anecdotes here, about how wonderful my experience of freedom is.
I've upset myself now.
Alright, let's talk me out of this, because regret is aluxury I can't afford. It's a waste of time. How do I get to this point I want to be at? I remember what my friend Christina told me a year and a half ago, when I visited her in London, and surprised her a bit i think, because she thought I was further on than I ended up revealing to her that i was, through my behaviour while there. She gave me a very brief, non-preachy talking to, which included the advice to "just start". I need to believe I can do what it takes, so that I can just start, again and again, as many times as I need to - every day, a few times a day.
I think it was R who told me she used to say to herself constantly 'I CAN DO IT, I KNOW I CAN, THIS IS FOR ME, I CAN DO IT, I CAN'. Even if, at this moment, I know I haven't been looking at the recovered me enough, and feel incapable of getting to that, what I very much CAN DO is 'just start' saying this to myself. We had a Tuesday group recently on beliefs, and i can make this one of mine - it's the basis of so many other beliefs I want to have about life.
My commitment today is to START, just start.
I'm sorry about that terribly lengthy spiel. Thank you for reading it. I hope I haven't brought you down or anything. I thought about deleting some of what I said, but I was being honest, and that at least, I can give myself a tiny pat on the back for.
The important thing is, I'm going to start, now, and you can too, whatever it is you feel you need to start doing.
All the best, Michelle x