Deserving

I had written about 10 lines there but deleted them all and even though there is no title, name or email address inserted with this post I am going to dive right in and just say it..................

I have a HUGE HUGE HUGE fear and that FEAR has become extremely real, I have sought proof of it absolutely everywhere, I go looking for proof, I have such a fear of poverty and homelessness and whilst I am in college now and it is the first year since I was 14 that I have not worked I feel like I am a poor unemployed person and that even though I am in college there is no point even trying because there are no jobs for me, no chances, opportunities and that homelessness and poverty and starvation are just around the corner.......

I don't think I have ever openly admitted that ludicrous FEAR to anyone let alone myself even just writing it is liberating........

I have all these dreams and even small goals like passing my driving test and getting a car for myself but since I was very very small I always told my parents no I don't need that - I'd pretend there was no school tours because I was so afraid that them paying for it would see us all out living on the streets - I forewent absolutely everything because of the fear that it would cause bankruptcy - even myself - the only thing I find it easy to spend money on is my sessions in Marino - I have faith in it and know it's working, if I buy something and it needs to be returned I just assume that the shop won't give me my money back......

Then I think it is sooooooooooo wrong to want money - that if I am to be fully recovered then having or wanting to have money and a vibrant life is materialistic.....that it's wrong to have a comfortable life....that it is somehow more honourable to struggle and suffer and that it is wrong to have a warm comfortable house when people are struggling in Africa or Afghanistan or Haiti.....I think that if I got a job or had money that would be one person less with a job or money so I'll leave it to them to have and leave myself out......

I know that what I have written is ludicrous but I just can't seem to see beyond it......and because I can't see beyond it I seem to be doing absolutely nothing - afraid to move anywhere, afraid to do anything, a what's the point attitude, a by you having you're depriving someone else, I have so many ideas and plans and when it comes to me feeling good and feeling recovered I know there is nothing stopping me and that if you asked to go out and rebuild the twin towers in the morning I'd have it done by sunset......but when it comes to work and money and having material possessions I am punishing myself to the extreme and won't allow myself to even test the waters because what's the point in anyways - isn't there a recession.....I have listened to Louise Hay till I'm black in face and my throat is tight with anxiety when I write this but I just feel I need some reassurance or something that I can believe because if the negative belief system had its way I'd sit still for the rest of my life never trying anything never doing anything and leaving all this powerful energy sit inside me and waste away - I have so many things I want to pursue but always stop myself because a)I think no you are resigned to a life of misery and poverty and failing at this would just be the last whip to seal the nonrecoverable wound and you'd have to live with that damning knowledge and b) if you did succeed by you selling your goods or services you are denying others their abundance and really stealing from people because who would want what you have to offer in the first place....

I know all this comes from a belief that there is not enough and that I am most definitely not deserving but I know that if I don't right this then I will end up being paralysed like this forever - I have all these great ideas that I don't try and I am itching to get going but these beliefs are keeping me glued to the starting blocks as failure and gloom is all I can imagine......

I know this post is ridiculously negative and I feel embarrassed to even be thinking these thoughts but maybe just the fact that I have shared them is sign that I am willing and can change this........

Joyce