Self Care

I never thought I would understand what the term self care really meant.. For a long time I didnt believe it applied to me, and if I did, my concept of what self care was, was completely condition related and it took me along time to relearn and figure out what constructive, self fullfilling, energizing, compassionate self care is for Heather. Now I am at a place where the term self care doesnt frighten or confuse me. It is no longer something I do for recovery, I now do it for me. Now I want self care, now I want to look after me. Every day I learn a new way of achieving this, because every day presents a new challenge and depending on my day or how I feel, I may need different things to care for myself. I never ever would have believed this in the past, I never every would have thought I deserved to look after me, I believed that self care for myself was selfish, lazy and unworthy but now, well now, my perspective has completetly turned around. I learnt through my journey that with time the most important person was myself and I needed and most importantly wanted to look after myself first. You can not look after anyone else until you look after yourself first. Only when you look after yourself can you truly be there for someone else, without them zapping your energy. I work as a nurse and I now see how when I really look after myself in every sense, how much this influences others, and how much more capable I am of taking care of others without my energy being taken. I know I must and want to look after me, otherwise I am useless to someone else. Self care for me is a must now, but it took me a long time to realize this.

For the first time in 27 years I am truly living, I feel alive, I feel I finally know what it is like to be in a proper relationship. To care for someone, to respect them, to even love them. And this relationship is with myself. I never ever felt anyway like this in the past, even with any boyfriend etc.. The funny thing is that the more I look after myself, the more I work on myself, the positive my outlook is, the more I attract positivity into my life. I even have a wonderful guy who likes me for who I am, and I realized I was pushing him away because I felt for once I really liked myself, I felt safe, at home with me and I didnt want to share it with anyone. I am so glad I relealized that this is how I felt. Wow it shocked me to think I actually do like me, wow I do, I really do, I never ever ever thought I would, I never ever ever believed I could but I do. And now I feel that because I know I can let go. I can begin to see its ok to share me, because no one can take your power, I am inside me, I am alive and I am free and its ok. Maybe I need a little time to myself, God knows I waited long enough for it. The best thing is, I am not afraid to say all this. Once I would have been. I would have been afraid for many reasons and also because I would have thought it may not last. But you know what, I am not perfect and I will have crap days and I do, BUT, that is life. Crap happens in life and believe me much has in my outside life lately but inside I am strong, its wierd... I feel I can cope, no matter what and if there are times when @I feel I cant, well, I stop and think, give myself a break. I aint perfect, I am proud to say I am recovering, I want solid, solid, solid recovery and I will keep at it until I get there 150%. I will keep going because I dont want ED, I dont want half a life, I want a full life.

My recovery has been a bumpy process, with some great times, but also alot of hurt, tears, etc etc. I wanted to give up, I thought I failed so many times. I felt better than I ever had and worse than I ever had. But I held on and I kept going and for anyone out there who feels they wont, or cant do it, please just keep going because life is so much better without ED.. Yes, it takes time, yes its not always easy but it gets easier, it does and I am not just saying that. It does and you really realise that recovery is living and not doing, but you gotta do first before you can live.. Each persons journey is differnt, mine took me longer than some peoples, and I know for while I beat myself up over that thinking I was crap at life and even worse at recovery but it took me a while to figrue out that every journey is differnty and no ones is less or more important that anothers. I am proud to say I took the responsibiltiy to stick with it for how ever long. Because when you begin to really live, time doesnt matter. Life is so much more full, yes not always easy, but that is life really. But now I feel alot more strength in my own beliefs and capabilities. Its like opening your eyes and seeing for the first time.

It seems to have taken me 27 years to cry, to laugh, naturally... Sounds odd but I feel things now, I feel I am only starting to learn now and right now if I had to write a letter to my inner child I would say " Life only begins at 27, you get younger as you get older, its time to let go of ED and live, be kind to yourslef and be proud of who you are and what you do. You are not a job, you are not a number, you are you, no matter what you do, you are you... Its time to live now, take your time, breathe it in, open your eyes, your free...................

Thanks for listening.
Namaste
Heather