Relationships/Communication and ED Recovery

I have to admit last night i did not sleep thinking about todays workshop, i was anxious nervous i cried i panacked even considered not going but it turned to be amazing and so worth while. Its funny how condition makes you do everything ED related when your not feeling well but when its recovery related you can relax!!! So i came anyway :) even though it threw off my regular routine and involved me taking some huge personal challenges(which i did not totally meet but i gave it my best shot which is sort of good i guess) i am so glad i participated. it clarified a lot for me in terms of currant relationships that i have been questioning. Hearing how ED affects families and carers really hit home for me, i cannot afford to be so lax with recovery as it not only hurts me but also my friends and my family.

I used to think everyone was angry at me, ashamed and embarrased by having a friend or daughter with an eating disorder but after today i see that this anger was not hate but love. this was there way of dealing with my ED just as i have distanced myself from them. A lot of the people who i thought ''abandoned'' me at my time of need, had simply had enough of watching me suffer, they are thank god back in my life and some in particular who i consider my rock who keep me motivated at difficult times when i would rather give up.

But i also understand now that no matter how hard i try explain to them about this condition they will never truely understand the complexity and i have to accept this. it is no reason for me to turn to self destructive behaviours, that is ED distorted thinking that wants me to but i have choices how i react. This is the one thing i can control ... my mind and the thoughts i chose to acknowledge and pay attention to as well as how i react to others actions or comments.

Just as everyone is patient with us we need to return the favour to them and go easy on our families and friends and throw out expectations. this is also a time of learning and uncertainty for them. That is where marino comes in for me. At home it can lonely and at times especially if im very upset scared and anxious can feel im not supported/understood. I can be doing well have good bloods etc... and everyone rallies around me but if im honest from past experience and a reason i have struggled with trusting the therapists at marino is because these people have left me in previous attempts to recover because they could not cope. They did care i see that now, but maybe loosing them was what i needed at the time to really say hey this condition is ruining every good thing i have and cherish maybe i could try recovery ... And guess what as i progress in recovery they see this even if i dont and i once again have my great friends back i wont be so silly to loose them all again just so i can hold on to the condition. So i am now ok with the fact i may not be able to call each and every one of them or discuss the difficult parts of recovery with them but that is where marino comes in i can always go in an share my problems and know there will be a friendly smile and some positive words of encouragement to remind me that i do not have to give in that i am strong enough and worth so much more than this condition.

The most important thing i got from today is that no matter what i put into relationships they wont be successful unless i love myself and accept myself first. Only then will people that are similar to me and good for me be attracted to me. Only then can i have real friendships/relationships. This is scary as it means taking off my mask and stopping the pretense and letting people see the real me ... Ciara! not condition Ciara. it means standing up for what i believe in, having my own opinion and believing in myself!However in doing so it would enable me to really embrace recovery tears and all! I guess this will get easier in time.

I also realised that unlike what i here from the condition everyday that i am interesting and can communicate with others, and that when i let my guard down i can enjoy myself and the company of others. it also serves as a nice distraction, something real to focus on rather than the negativity.

I might loose friends i might gain friends either way im excited :) But communication is an important part of the recovery process that helps mend broken relationships and that allows us to express our feelings and emotions verbally and not with our bodies!

xxx Ciara xxx