unconditional love

Unconditional Love:

I was so grateful for group on Tues night, particularly because I have noticed myself put theory into practice the last few days. So often I do things so that people will like and approve of me, my whole life I was trying to be the good little perfect girl, get good marks at school, be the best at sport, the best washer upper in the house. Even now I am aware how I push myself to try be the best yoga teacher, do the best pose to the point that I was hurting and damaging myself. The last few weeks I have seen a change in this and I am listening more to my limits, feeling my breath, I am relaxing more. In the past I would have given up things or I would have said what’s the use if I am not the best at it. What kind of message is this sending out to others??

Being the best is not what it’s all about. People love each and every one of us for who we are, all the parts of us, not for what we do. The last few days I have been more conscious of what I do for other people, what I bring to others. Often it is just through showing up, communicating, talking back, listening, helping around the house, laughing. I noticed that the more conscious I am in this, the calmer and more slowed down I become. My brother is handicap and I love him to bits but sometimes when I go home to see him and my dad I can be so in my head or tired form the drive down or in a hurry to unpack that I get impatient with him. Last night I thought how can I give to him without wanting something back from him. I listened to him, made jokes with him and accepted him, his verbal diarrhea when I came in the door made me laugh and I realized he’s been dying to chat all day. Listening to him, laughing with him, was my way of giving back. I didn’t want him to like me more, I didn’t want to be little miss perfect, I just wanted to be with him and there for him.

Today, I have spoken in depth to a good friend of the family over lunch with Dad. Her world has come crashing down as her husband, the love of her life, has been diagnosed with high rate cancer in the blood and bones. I listened and asked questioned and empathized and was blown away by her bravery. Her positivity and faith is infectious even though I could hear and only imagine the fear and loss. It just shows me that life is too short to worry about the size of my ass. We have to look at the bigger picture. The condition eats us up and spits us out, now is the time to live, to question the condition and agree with recovery.

I spoke to my therapist on wed and said and really felt I am sick of the condition, the thoughts, the behaviors, the madness, life has and is passing me by. There is no room for guilt in this any longer, just action. I can hear those in group that are nearly fully recovered and that is my inspiration along with carework and therapy. No longer to I look or want to look at the magazines for inspiration. This is a major huge shift for me and makes me realize I am on the road.

Recovery needs to remain number one for all of us. I hope you all have a lovely balanced, giving and receiving wk with lots of credit thrown in there for good luck!!!

Love Cara xxxx