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One year on

Every year at this time my parents go away for the weekend. And usually my ed says wahay, party time !! This time last year I was so entrenched in behaviours, so miserable and so incredibly alone. I had friends but I had isolated myself from them. I believed that if they knew the true me they wouldn't want to know me. My ed had me sink to lows I never thought I could reach. I didn't want to go on. That's a hard thing for me to admit because I don't think at the time I ever acknowledged just how bad things were.

Yesterday, I made a nice lunch for my parents before they set off for the airport. We sat down and had a good laugh about God knows what. I waved them off down the road, tidied up and then went for a nice walk in the fresh air. I went to the library, had a cup of tea, headed off to meet some friends then back home for some dins and some serious soap time. Tonight, I came home from work, made my dins, played some music, wrote a bit in my diary. All ordinary day to day stuff but none of it contains malice towards myself. There are no nasty behaviours, I won't spend all of sunday cleaning up.

Of course, the behaviours are one tiny part. It has often been said to me that I seem like an incredibly calm person. And for years I did seem like a calm person but on the inside, I wasn't. It was panic stations 95% of the time. Now, my head is calm. I still get pangs of guilt for what I have put my parents through and certain things I did during my ed. But on the whole, I am ok with myself. I was ill. I acknowledge that now.

I am happy.

That is a statement I never thought I would write. I have rediscovered my absolute passion for music. I have decided on my career path. A complete turnaround from the type of career I always thought I would embark upon. But with this choice, I feel 100% happy. There is no doubt in my mind.

One year on from now I hope to be fully recovered. Why not ? I have come this far in a year. With the help of some brilliant people in Marino and my wonderful parents. It was not easy, but now, looking back, it was so worth it. It's extremely difficult at times that everything happens for a reason but I think I have finally come to peace with that saying. I am on this path for a reason. We all have a choice. We can choose to eat or not. Binge or not. Purge or not. Cut or not. Live or not.

Just thought I'd share :)

Comments

WOO WOO!! :o)

Submitted on October 31st, 2009

Hiya!

I read this yesterday morning and it really did make my morning! What an incredibly uplifting and inspiring post. I could actually feel that ball of excitement I get within me blazing......All for you! Yeay!

Like you, my parents going away brought up an array of different feelings. Primarily excited but also a lil scared about how crazy I could, and inevitably would be! Last year when they went away, and I had got a grip on my condition there was no excitement, there only total utter terror. Who would stop me from going hell for leather with behaviours? Whos would stop my condition? Turns out it was the best thing that they could have done. Self-parenting was exactly what I need, acknowledgement to myself that I had worked to Dang hard to let my recovery slip. In a moment of complete enlightenment I realised not only how much I wanted Recovery, but ultimately how that responsibility lay entirely with me!! It wasn’t easy, but I managed, and with that, and affording myself some self credit, I slowly but surely came around to the notion of trusting myself, and trusting recovery –Alleluia!

Last week my parents went away and I’d such a lovely week-no fright, no false excitement!! Just true contentment.
For I got to spend some quality time with the person I know best....myself. What better company could I have asked for? I got to play the music I liked, sing along as shockingly off tune as I liked, light all the candles, cook what I like, have my friends stay it I liked, let Millie (the dog) up on the couch if I liked!
My friends were surprised that I wasn’t scared in a big house all on my own for a week, but all I could think of was....hey why catastrophise??

So congratulations on how far you’ve come, and on the great job your doing. I too hope that your next year will go as well. You clearly very committed and upbeat about it, so however long full recovery takes, with the determination and courage you’ve expressed so far, it definitely will come.

In the mean time-Enjoy the ride, you so so deserve it!

Yeay-go you!
Saoirse!

Are you me?? :-)

Submitted on October 30th, 2009

Wow thanks for sharing. It sounded like I wrote parts of this article! Gosh I felt like I was the only person who was like this every time my parents went away. Of course I said "I'll be good this weekend" but the ED had other ideas.

I am looking forward to when I can visit my parents and be able to be in the house on my own and not have the panic, shame, guilt, hiding wrappers etc before they come back. I also want to just do normal things like watch TV or go or a nice without going down the behaviours route and the whole weekend being a blur.

Thanks again for sharing- it really helped me to know that someone else's behaviours sounded very stressful when living with others- and now you have shown me that it's possible just to have a "normal" weekend without and self-destruction!

Take care,

(",) C (",)