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Birthday, regrets, moving forward
Its Saturday morning and I just feel so tense, anxious and worried. Its the start of the long weekend and its my birthday tomorrow. On paper this sounds like a weekend most people would be excited about but for me I'm dreading it. I guess at the minute I'm seeing it as another year that has passed and I'm still not fully recovered. This time last year I said by my 20th birthday I'd be fully free but the year has passed and I haven't reached that goal. I suppose I just feel disappointed in myself and the condition is really taking advantage of that.
I remember being told though not to put a time limit on recovery to just ask myself what I can do for recovery today so I'm going to focus on that. Maybe I'll go to the cinema, it'll take my mind off of everything for awhile. I need to give myself credit for the changes I have made over the past year because there have been many. The final stages of recovery are sometimes trickey because you're focusing on all the 'nitty gritty things' and the changes often take longer and don't seem as important but they are and I'm going to keep moving forward.
As for my birthday I'm going to try relax about it and enjoy it in some way. It is an important day because without it we wouldn't be here! The teenage years brought alot of hurt and pain but also alot of learning and awareness. I can let these years go now and as I turn 20 I look forward to my year being filled with many recovered moments :)
Hope everyone has a great weekend,
Mairead x
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Comments
Hi Mairead, I was away this
Hi Mairead,
I was away this wkd so only just logged onto iceberg, happy happy bday, i hope u had a great day and enjoying d beginning of your 20's. Your still so young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Rather than thinking of the past, try think of al the amazing things you can experience now and in the future, enjoy every second of it!!
Cara xx
Well done
well done Mairead. It takes great courage to write about how you are. And its so important! Because so many of us do not understand. We think out of our own heads with our own problems. Its very hard to shift thinking to understand how another person is and how they see things.
So this is all education and awarenesss. It is why the ICEBERG is a great simile. So much of what we feel and and what we are is below the surface, even under our own personal awareness.
Michael
Just a little note to say
Just a little note to say thank you for all the birthday wishes, yas all have a way of making someone feel special :)
Got up early this morning and went for a lovely walk. When I came home my room was covered with big pink 'happy birthday Mairead' posters made by my little sisters they're so funny! Also a friend I lost contact with text me to say happy birthday and we're meeting up during the week so alls good!
It really is true that those worried, anxious, scary feelings do eventually pass. Don't give into the condition. Look for support, use affirmations and do some self care. As the saying goes 'nothing lasts forever not even your troubles'.
Thanks again
Mairead x
Happy Birthday lovely, I've
Happy Birthday lovely,
I've only realised that you get a 25 hour bday- no fair :(
Wishing you relaxation, hope and peace of mind!
Remember you were put in this world for a reason.... God don't make mistakes!!
High five for being Alive!!!
XX
HAPPY HAPPY B'DAY
It's nearly your B'day Mairead ... get excited OMG I love B'days (I'm very fickle haha mixed feelings) but I always wrap up presents for myself and have a glass of sparkling wine for breakfast (well it is a celebration ... might as well start from the get go)
I light scented candles and sometimes stay up the night before having bought my fav. DVD (rock n roll lol)... & then I take myself for a lovely day out
I often thought it'd be great if I could live every day like it was a birthday - why wait a whole year to celebrate your living body and spirit - YOUR LIFE??
I love the way I can never sleep before my b'day cuz I just want the day to drag out forever.. such a different from all the days I dismiss and want to sleep through - birthdays make me feel alive & I spose that is the whole point of them - a reminder that you ARE ALIVE-- what a gift
LOTS OF LOVE TODAY/2MORO ....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
LE XXXXXX
Forgot to sign my name
Forgot to sign my name oops... ha
Have a great birthday weekend hun
x x x Ciara x x x
Dont beat yourself up for not
Dont beat yourself up for not been fully recovered your doing great so give yourself plenty of credit, it my bday in three weeks and im dreading it another in the condition only instead of thinking im not recovered yet im thinking damn why did i not start recovery years ago... im going to be 23 i had hoped i would be free but the way i see it im gettin better ya no... your so young and have loads of time and plenty more birthdays to be fully free...( i hope that made sense and encouraged you somewhat)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
hola Mairead
Want to wish you a very happy birthday for tomorrow hun , make it a specail mairead day . When you wake in the morning think of somthing that you would love to do and go for it girl .....make it an extra special day just for you .....
I can totally relate with you Mairead when you shared your feelings about recovery and time limit . Ah mairead I was the very same , i would set myself goals in ...... in X mts i will have ...... , i was forever focusing about what i will have , ah it was completely exhausting and it blinded me to all the wonderful things i had done and was doing . I remeber one night sitting down and having a chat with myself , that always seemed to help me !! I got honest and real with myself and made a promise from that night i would focus on today and look forward to tomorrow , whatever it would bring . It was only then i really started living in the here and now and life suddenly seemed to me more interesting and fun , i suppose because i was really living it and experiencing it , and guess what ? i didnt even have the time to think about the nxt X mths or Y mts !! living in the here and now kept me busy !!!....................................
Hope you have a really great day tomorrow Mairead , raising a glass of vino , well done you ! enjoy the here and now and the future will unfold its beautiful self .........
chow bella
xxyvonne xxxx
Happy Birthday Mairead ;) x
Happy Birthday Mairead ;) x x
Birthdays/Christmas/holidays.. landmarks in general can be a tough one because of the reminder another year has passed and we still have the condition
BUT as youve said yourself
"I need to give myself credit for the changes I have made over the past year because there have been many"
You're not the same as you were last year and although you may not be there yet you are closer, youre still fighting you will get there.
When i start to get frustrated with myself for still having the condition I really focus on appreciating everything i can enjoy now that i couldnt before,how much better things have got, what i have learnt and the amazing journey i have gotten to embark on as a result of the ED. Then i get excited about how much more there is to uncover, that i can continue to grow, learn and discover.
Dont be disappointed in yourself be proud of yourself!! Your worth it. This birthday celebrate yourself, stick it to the ED trying to drag you down, its just throwing a tantrum because another year has passed and it has less hold over your life than ever before..
Use your future as motivation, there are tonnes of beautiful, free, fun filled moments ahead of you. For now trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be on your road to recovery, enjoy it!
Lots of birthday love,
Joanne x x x
Hi Mairead, I couldn't help
Hi Mairead,
I couldn't help commenting on your post and saying WELL DONE! You are right, you should give yourself ALOT of credit for where you are right now. I mean you're only 20 and you're in the final stages of recovery! How cool is that! You're still young, only heading into your 20's and very nearly free of the condition. I think you're an inspiration!
I'm nearly 30 and I'm only just starting out with recovery, how I wish I'd done this 10 years ago, before I finished full time education and got married. It's funny, when I was younger all I wanted was to hurry up and be 'grown up' but now that I'm approaching the age most people do grow up, I just want to get rid of all responsibility and not grow up at all! But no matter, I've decided I can be a teenager again right now, learn to enjoy myself, find myself and all of that! Who says you have to that when you're a teenager anyway??
Just think of all the fun you can have in the next 9 or 10 years without ED. Your 20's really are a time where you have all the choices still open to you in life. School is out of the way, you can really decide what you want to do and how you want to live your life. The world is your oyster!
Happy Birthday & Well Done again!
Donna
Regrets help us move forward ... celebration of your LIFE!!
I totally empathise with you - it's like listening to my own voice... except I think at 20 I was still saying "feck today I'll do everthing tomorrow" I don't think I really understood that the future can only be created by how you choose to live the present and therefore there is no moment more important and powerful that THIS ONE.
I thought naively that we were all entitled to our destiny and certain things (like the future I had envisioned for myself) were fate and certainties... I didn't try too hard cuz I trusted that everything I wanted would come.
** I'll be recovered by 17 (ok...then 18)
** I'll be recovered by the time I'm 20
** I'll definitely be recovered before I'm 25
** I'll have a book written before 25 ... I'll be rich...I'll be happy
With every passing year I was totally wound up and completely broken, suffocating in despair and desperation
"It wasn't fair... life wasn't suppose to be like this..." But even then i wasn't totally able to see the reality of what i was living and how life had got pushed out to the point that only a small percentage of hope was seeping in & everything else was the condition
I prayed in that terrible begging, victimhood way.. and felt even more powerless when years later everything still looked the same
It took me a long time to realise that if it wasn't today then could end up being never... because when would that day come?.... fifteen years of miserable birthdays still not recovered ... thousands of tomorrows that never brought recovery...
Eventually....lesson learned... the universe was not going to just let me float to a place of freedom at a time of my choosing... It was completely up to me ... to make that decision now...
What I did learn was to always deal with the moment and never scare myself with "forevers" or "nevers".... an hour was possible eventually it became a breeze but FOREVER & NEVER AGAIN ... that was just self-sabotage.
Recovery is all about the details.... all those little things that seem so insignificant... they all knit together.... the condition is a numbers game: age, hours, page numbers, dress size, weight... (don't play it - it only gives the condition free reign to assign numbers to your worth as person) and it is the voice of the condition saying to you
"see how worthless you are ... you're still not recovered and how old are you now?"
Ignore it.... has it ever made you genuinely happy?.. if it had, really, then you wouldn't want out...
"If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?" (I love that quote)
All we ever have is today - it's the days that added together become years -- it's the little changes that add up to make freedom
It is good to have regrets because if we didn't have regrets we wouldn't learn about what we don't want - we'd never change and become more powerful people
What I also needed to realise was that you don't need to wait to be fully recovered to allow yourself to enjoy yourself, to have fun, to travel, to meet friends... to basically do everything you're waiting until you're recovered to do and to feel....
You can make the best of it & be nice to yourself... don't waste time beating yourself up about how you haven't reached your expectations.... that won't help you be any more recovered and will just make you miserable...
If you have to be recovered before you're allowed to be happy you'll never get there....
Living in the moment is so powerful --- because when you are living in the present and connecting you are free..... the condition is all about disconnecting, escaping reality and numbing yourself....
I hope you have a birthday free from the weight of time pressures --
I can't focus my mind today to construct any kind of logical english composition .. and to be honest I don't like birthdays either and I never celebrate them publicly
I prefer to have my own little day of shopping and pampering
Either way have fun & the journey will be a blast
xxx
I love this quote
"By doing your best in this moment, you put yourself in the best place for the next moment.."
Oprah Winfrey
"Life constantly presents you with the opportunity to choose love over fear" (Oprah...again..very wise she is)
HOPE YOU ENJOY THE CELEBRATION OF YOUR BIRTH/ OF YOUR LIFE (not of your condition)
This day will never come again ... create new memories
Le x
Lovely post as always Le, If
Lovely post as always Le,
If you just print off all your posts on Iceberg, you'll have a book written by your next birthday effortlessly
:-) Carol
Mairead..... Well done on how
Mairead.....
Well done on how far you've come, its very true that time limits only set us up for a disappointment when it comes to recovery because really, who are we to know when everythin will click into place? All we can do is *HOPE* that this will be the best year yet.
Like you said, if the year hasnt gone exactly as we would have liked, then at least we've learned so much, and havent put all that learning off for another year! Better still, learning who we are and how fantastic life can potentially be is learning for life, and something that many people don't even think about investing energy in till much later in life.
My birthday falls the end of november, and between it, crimbo and new year I used to mark my "failing" on every occasion. It shouldn't have bin that I was "still failing" tho, looking back it should have bin "still fighting".
Remember that recovery is a process. Happiness is a journey, not a destination, so do try and enjoy the ride!
Be sure to buy yourself something nice for your birthday, without question of your deservability. You sound like your doin brilliant, and showin a huge amount of courage. And for that you deserve somethin fab for you!
Welcome to club 20's, teen years are totally overated if ya ask me :) hehe!!
Enjoy your weekenk hun, and well done again!
XXSaoirseXX
Oh I know the feeling..
I know that feeling... before every birthday I used to think "this time next year I'll be recovered" or other things like I'll have a boyfriend or great job etc...
This year is the first time that I have let go of HAVING to recover by a certain time. My birthday last year was more a focus of pain than a celebration. I urge you to love yourself unconditionally and have the most fun that you could possibly have... You will never be 20 again.
Your teenage years have all been learning experiences and opportunities to grow stronger. All will be well in the end.
Happy birthday! Have fun,
Hip hip horray!
~~~~~~~~~
Carol