RE:the bumpy road to recovery

Oh hunny i completely resonate with you i feel stuck in-between wanting the condition and wanting recovery. i try and take a chance but chicken out and find myself running back to the condition for comfort and basically to confirm what i believe about myself that i am nothing and worthless and dont deserve that i will fail anyway. its like i feel nice i feel ok knowing i know what will happen how my day and week will play out until i start to feel like cr*p again and miserable and i realise thats just the ed in control not me. i want to be free to feel happy not obsessed or consumed by what food i eat or what i weigh. it is very challenging and terrifying but people do not like you for your weight or your size the ed will tell you this but thats bulls**t you are worth waaaaaay more than that hun much much more, people like you for you your personality how fun you are because they love and care for you, they want you happy.

I get the guilt thing i often feel guilty over everything whether i use behaviours dont use them isolate or go out if i let people in if i push them away if i take a risk if i pass it up and i even feel guily about things that have not happened yet and how i think it will affect people even though they have forgotten already and probly wont care i seem too play it over and over in my head. however my Therapist says guilt is a feeling like fear its just a feeling it cant hurt us and is nothing to be scared of however we need to challenge it, can you use logic to help you like look at the situation does it make logical sense to feel guilty would a recovered person feel this way? maybe think does this contribute to my recovery or strenghtin the condition, i want to be free does this hinder it or enable it? maybe that could ease it for you....

I think its important to remember why you are doing this like for me i have missed out on so much fun and nights out holidays cause the ed cause im too tired and too weak to go out, i cant wait for the day i can look forward to nights out to christmas to birthdays to holidays and not feel the need to panic .... i even got asked to take part in a photoshot recently most girls would jump at the oppurtunity to get pampered dress up and be in the limelight but me i have about a million reasons why i shouldn, im also p*ssed off like i want to do it but dont feel good enough or thin enough and dont trust myself to keep going with recovery in the lead up to it, i feel guilty cause its my sister who asked me i should have said this is triggering im not sure i should do it but instead the condition was like yes a chance for me to get you again so you look perfect now it just feels like another goal he has set for me i want this to change to be able to look at the fun in things like this and that is recovery not worrying about food or weight or what people will think about me.

fear of failure is me all over hense why i keep myself stuck i know im good at the ed but recovery i have no idea what kind of person i will be i dont want to fall flat on my face, but i ask you this how do you know you will fail if you dont give it a proper chance i challenge you to try i bet the outcome may surprise you and you may surprise yourself at just how successful you can be!

As for not being strong enough look at the strength and determination it took to keep to the conditions rules therefore you can do recovery just switch around the rules. im sure you are very beautiful and talented and strong and determined you just need to believe in yourself and trust that you will get there.

take baby steps they all ad up to big ones each one puttin you further on the road to recovery ( oh dear i sound very cheesy ha ha ha sorry).even by posting here thats you doing recovery using your voice reaching out well don hun give yourself credit for being so honest.

You can do this
you can recover
you deserve to recover soooooo much

as the saying goes the only way out is through we need to keep going even the days we would rather give up we need to fight harder. on days i loose the small battles i remember that there is always something to be learnt and i know ill win the war. try remember your motivations your friends family support team they are all routing for you.

Take care hunny
xxxCiaraxxx