Reply to the bumpy road to recovery

Hi T,

If I had read your post this time last year, you would have completely taken the words from my mouth, and I am responding to your post because I have been there, I have felt exactly what you are going through, I actually had to second read your post again because I thought this was an entry I had written in my diary last year, and it is only now on reflection I realize and accept that I have moved on but at the time, I thought I wouldnt. It did pass..

I can only share some of my experiences and tips, but if you believe nothing else right now, just hold on to the fact that I, like many others have felt this way too and we have all moved on from this destructive way of thinking. I say this, because I during my recovery had alot of care work and they always identifed with what I went through, but at the time, I didnt see that. Although I felt comfort that they too had gone through what I did, part of me told myself that I was different, that I was the odd one, who took ages to recover, who wouldnt fully anyway. You go through of old and new feelings and emotions during recovery but at the stage you talk about in you post, when I was at this point, I beat myself up about not walking the talk "enough". I felt I came to therapy, I knew consiously all the answers, I had all the tools and help and awareness, but I didnt really walk it and I felt guilty for this, I felt ashamed, I even felt bad on the part of my therapist but this was all such a waste of energy and worrying about it just made it worse. It took me a long time, a lot of ups and downs and highs and allows, alot of work on myself and life to realize that I needed to allow myself time and to acknowlege how far I had come. Sitting down and telling myself phrases such as,

"I accept where I am in my recovery at this present moment and I know that even better times are ahead"

" I am strong and I am couragous".

" I deserve more than ED".

" I allow myself time".

There is no quick fix or easy answer. By going to groups on Tuesday, by listening to others and seeing that they too felt the same way as I did, by getting tips and advice from others I say that I wasnt alone and I held on to this idea that I could do it too. This came and went, and sometimes I didnt always believe what I said, but consistensy and repetition worked for me. See, I realized that I didnt need to beat myself up because I realized that I had an unconscious mind and a consious one and yes I had all the tools now consciously and yes I had all the awarenss and knowledge but my ED had been in my subconcious for years, building up bit by bit and so it was gonna take me a while to get the concept deep down. It was gonna take me a while to trust everything, when I realized this, it helped me push forward. I cant say when it happened but it just took time and lots and lots of self credit even when I thought I didnt deserve it.

See, even reading your post and changing it to me, I can immediately say, wow, well done for reaching out, for being so aware, for being in recovery, for not giving up. That inself is work and action even though you dont see it. It may seem impossible right now to not always focus on your size and food. All I can say is I thought this too for years and it is only now I see this as a load of crap, because trust me, you can have a much better qualitiy of life without being consumed by these thoughts. The more you work on recovery, sometimes working on recovery is allowing yourself time and accepting where you are. Sometimes working on your recovery is living, trying new things, doing something nice for yourself every day. It gets easier.

For me now, I feel alot more grounded and self assured in my own self. I really love to be with myself and I feel so comfortabe and safe now and its kinda like well I realize I want to look after myself and I want to be real and alive and I have such an interest in life now that I dont hold onto food or size like the past because I supppose I know I am worth more. And it doesnt feel wierd, it just feels natural.

Even repeating the phrase "It will pass" helped me.

So, be kind to yourself, everyones path is different so be gentle with you and know it will pass. I dont know if you go to group on Tuesday or not, but for me, I am a regular attender and over the time I got great support and tips from everyone and I saw the results and I also saw I wasnt alone and it would pass.. Even seeing that they believed me in helped me realize my own potential and slowly help me get to where I am now.

Namaste
Heather