Reply to the bumpy road...

Hey there...
This last sentence of yours "I know there is HOPE and I want to be free" is the most important, keep this in mind, make it your mantra, write it on a blank page in huge, colourful letters and stick it up opposite your bed...and say it our loud...

Reading your post made me aware of how far I have come... because even just one year ago, I would have written literally and word for word the exact same...
I am amazed by this awareness, it is really something fascinating, I would have never ever ever in my life have thought that it could ever get better, not with me, I was different, yes, recovery might be there for other people but I was a helplessly mad case, lost case, would never get over the issue with numbers and sizes...all that nonsense the condition thinks about you. Oh yes, and behaviours? Never would be able to stop them, ever... And that is actually the most amazing for me in my case here...that I really and truely thought that I'd never be able to give up the behaviours...that I'd never be able to go into a shop and just get what I needed and leave, that I's never be able to just have a piece of chocolate and not eat the whole... that I had to get rid of anything afterwards because otherwise I'd get huge...behaviours were my life, and while I constantly seemed to be stuck in them, had no control over them really, I still thought that I wasn't bad enough, because my body was just so resilient and faithfully stayed by me over all these many many years of abuse.
My God, when I think what actually has happened during this last year...I can't believe that this is actually me here now, the same person that felt caught and captured in the condition for life...

T, I believe you will slowly but surely come out the other side as well. Everybody who wants to recover does... and you might at the moment have one good day one bad... but maybe in a while it will be two good days every so often... The most important thing I think is... Watch where you put your focus... Read Saoirse's post "THE POWER OF SHIFTING ONES FOCUS" it is here on Iceberg, some time end of October...
Your ENERGY GOES WHERE YOUR FOCUS FLOWS... if your focus is weight and size... well, how dare this bloody condition make a number out of you anyway??!! YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MORE THAN JUST A SILLY NUMBER!!!
Another thing... While reading your post I could not stop Marie's voice appear in my head, again and again:
"WATCH YOUR LINGO..."
Do you realize what you are saying to yourself and about yourself, how you describe your beautiful gorgeous self with words you would not even think about a friend?
Your whole post is so full of negativity, you can go back now, as an exercise and turn everything around... you are worth so much more than a number...
Oh yes... and be patient with yourself, give yourself time, a change of thoughts does not happen in one day, it takes time, your subconscious is so used to be bombarded with negative thoughts about yourself that your attempts of changing this around won't work immediately... it takes a while until the positive and appreciating thoughts stay with you...

There is another tip for you to look back on Iceberg:
RECOVERY TIPS FOR ED SUFFERERS
The Miraculous Mental Diet...
It is worth a try, this Miraculous Mental Diet...and it will help you to focus more on recovery and positive things than on negative self-talk...

You'll get there, believe me... and anywhere is better than in the condition, so no fears, disperse your fears, they only take up another bit of the energy you so strongly need for yourself and your recovery...

Hope that helps you shift focus a bit...
Love,
xxx R. xxx