the bumpy road to recovery

I feel stuck, I have the knowledge I have learnt so much on recovery I can talk the talk on what you’re supposed to do , why I use these self destructive behaviours to numb up the pain of facing the real problems how this monster constantly nagging, comparing ,never good enough, negative self talk is controlling my life making me believe I’m never good enough, that nothing I do is ever good enough. This deep dissatisfaction I have with myself believing I do not deserve anything I deserve to be put through this torture live through this pain even though I have done nothing wrong. I have the awareness yet I’m holding myself back from putting this knowledge into practise. My focus is completely weight and food I’m so terrified of putting on weight that I hold myself back from moving forward it’s so horrible to say but it’s like weight has become one of the main focus’s running over like a record in my mind and when the real me thinks of recovery, life boom back at yah conditions taken over ‘oh no how do you know that’ll really happen? Maybe it worked for others but you’re different you’ll never reach recovery you’re not strong enough you don’t deserve it’ or that weight is so imp to me none of these things will ever match up. It’s like condition makes me believe I will never be recovered. Its like I’m running towards something I may never reach. Something that seems so strange to me how people live a normal life accept themselves not always these horrible thoughts repeating in your head not using self destructive behaviours to punish yourself to actually just live without this seems so strange to me sometimes I even forget that other people aren’t thinking like me. I want recovery so much one day and the next condition has taken me over and I don’t want it whenever I do behaviours I feel so controlled by the condition and hard to stop but then make myself feel guilty because Its not right for recovery . I know I am putting my family through so much worry Its just another thing condition makes me feel guilty about but its nearly like I need this attention or something though it makes me feel like maybe somebody actually will care for me. Then people only trying to help me I get angry with say horrible disrespectful things and yet again condition has won to make me feel guilty repeating ‘oh it would be you making that drama wouldn’t it’ making me believe anything I do or say is wrong that I don’t even deserve people listen to my problems that I’m such a horrible person making huge scenes and everybody just dreads me making me think that maybe I should just live in this misery for the rest of my life without being hassle for everyone else. If I decide one day I’m going to take responsibility for my recovery and I’m so up for it and then next day its won me over ‘told yah so , I knew you could never do it’ making me feel like a fekn eijit for saying it. At the end of the day I know it is my decision but it’s like I keep changing my mind always ‘you’re not bad enough wait until you are and then do recovery’ but I really know I’ll never be bad enough I’ll use any excuse in the book not to do recovery rather than just do it but its nearly like I’m afraid of failing that I’ll never get there, afraid of this challenge afraid of getting to know myself because I think I’m not worth anything terrified of weight gain dwelling on my fears thinking about the outcome before I’ve even done anything .I know what I have to do and it sounds so much easier saying it but when I try to do it for me it seems like mission impossible though it is something I want so much how riduclous it is to think something like a jean size or a number on a scale or comments can hold me back and keep me in this. I’m really trying to think this through and get my mind around that stupid c**p condition is saying.if anyone has any tips if you're at this stage or were at it i'd love to hear. I’ll stop being so negative now and just thank everyone for all their inspiring posts and I decided to Write this because I knew how supportive everyone is I feel such a relief even finishing it!
I know there is HOPE and I want to be free!!!
Thanks for all listening
T xxxxxxxx