How can I be the best parent?

How can I be the best parent?
How can I best help my child through ED?
"How do I keep from passing on to my children the limiting beliefs and behaviors I learned from my own parents?" This question, or some version of it, invariably passes the lips of every parent going through the process of transformation.
In our parenting, as in every other area of our lives, we take direction from one of two internal maps. We are being guided either by our highest intention of how we want to be for our children, or we are being guided by our Default Map, which keeps us tied to our past, our lowest impulses, and our habitual thoughts and behaviors. Very often, these two are complete opposites.
As parents, each day and every new situation brings an opportunity to select between these two distinct paths. At each moment we are making a choice to take the low road or the high road; to take responsibility for creating the kind of family culture we desire, or to feel victimized and powerless over our situation.
So what determines whether we will choose to be guided by our highest vision or whether we will we let fears or old habits direct our course? What determines whether we have the presence of mind to bring out the best in ourselves, or whether we will fall prey to our lowest impulses?
How we feel about ourselves will certainly drive us. A little self love and a little understanding will unlock within us the wisdom to take the high road and deliberately show up as the parent we want to be, rather than the parent we vowed we'd never be. Sometimes as parents of an ED sufferer, we are confused and unsure as to whether it is ok to have family rules and limits.

In any family, when boundaries are too loose in a family, the children have inappropriate power and control. This is often a family in chaos. The children call the shots, but deep down they are terrified of the power they hold over their parents. Even when the children are not exhibiting serious behavior problems, loose boundaries are seen in parent-child relationships that place too much of the adult world in the child's hands.

On the other hand, when boundaries between parents and children are too rigid, all of the power and control lies within the parent circle. Not only is 'no back talk' the rule, no real communication takes place between the two circles. In a family with too rigid boundaries, children often move into an adolescence of withdrawal or extreme rebellion.

Another big trap in parent-teen relationships is the confusion of psychological control (the opposite of psychological autonomy) with discipline. Demanding a certain level of behavior of children does not exclude allowing, or even encouraging them to think and express opinions different than one's own.

Sometimes parents get caught up in focusing on controlling their child, believing that controlling the way their child thinks will translate into controlling what their child does. By using guilt, withdrawing love, or invalidating feelings or beliefs, the parent hopes to make the child see things the parent's way, ensuring compliance with parental expectations.
So, how can we win? As a parent of two teenagers and an ED practitioner, holding ourselves in high regard, appreciating all that we do well, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, and being humble enough to accept our imperfections is key. Self-love, as in listening to our inner voice and taking action when things don't feel right. Self-love, as in acknowledging that we deserve to take care of ourselves, making the way we feel about ourselves inside important, and taking time to tend to that connection every day.
When we are not treating ourselves lovingly, if we are exhausted, over-extended, under-appreciated or not receiving the necessary support, we can be certain that we are operating on automatic pilot, unwittingly passing on to our children the same flawed thinking that was passed on to us as children. And when we learn the art of generating self-love, it literally acts like a balm to our soul. It fills us up from the inside. It gives us patience when we're frazzled. It allows us to remember what really matters even in the heat of a difficult moment. It lets us see the humor and the irony of situations that we are taking too seriously. Self-love is the essential ingredient that lets us choose the high road, to make choices that are consistent with who we want to be as parents.
This may not be easy for parents to do without some help from a third party! Everyone in the ED story needs and deserves help for the best possible outcome.By administering healthy doses of self love to ourselves, we are teaching our children to do the same by example and osmosis!
No amount of words can replace the energy - the palpable feeling - that we exude when we are genuinely loving and treating ourselves with great care. Truly in the presence of self-love, this energy infuses our mood, our words, our actions, our relationships, and our home. And our children then become the beneficiaries of our softened hearts.
And we can best help them through their difficulties and to live up to their highest potential.

Maire-Ros