Invictus

Invictus:

'I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.'

This is what I have learned in recovery so far. At first I hated and loathed and ridiculed and shamed myself for having an eating disorder - what's your excuse? What went so wrong in your life? You pitiful, self pitying begger of attention, you incapable cry baby......Harsh words.....Really harsh, if someone were to say those words to someone walking into group some night I think I'd personally escort them out the second floor window of 42 Malahide Road.......

Having an eating disorder is not an ideal alternative but nonetheless it was my alternative. When I look back I see a self sufficient five year old adamant to fend for herself, who taught herself to read, her made a place for herself, who ducked and dived and made the best of what was on her plate, but as time ticked by and as her brain and emotions developed confusion ranked high, sensitivity unknowingly absorbed all of the hits and misunderstandings and unvoiced thoughts, opinions, assertions, defences........she had to take refuge somewhere......at least she took it somewhere, I in no way advocate or condone eating disorders but it was my comrade during some very lonely, confusing times, it was the bridge between then and now and a part of me is indebted to that little girl who was adamant on surviving, who had method behind her madness. Even when I wasn't there for myself I was there for myself, even when I wasn't taking care of myself I was taking care of myself. I have compassion for her now, she was clever and savvy and was always looking for a way out.....she took the evil of two lessers but it was better to have chosen than to not have chosen at all. I thank her for that.

I've just watched Invictus with Matt Damon and Nelson Mandela about how Mandela using rugby to unite South Africa.....he said 'we must exceed our own great expectations.' I watched and I cried and I resonated.

Being angry at someone stirs your soul, boils your juices, makes you feel right, makes you march, makes you barge - but....ultimately come night fall - keeps you stuck. God it feels good doesn't it....but it's a static kinda good, it's a kinda good that only feels good around certain people in certain circumstances.....remove the people and the circumstances and you're this paltry, subservient, voiceless, paralysed victim.

Remove the victim and you get to lead, you get to hold the reigns, you get to feel not good but really, really good - you get to get things done, you get to achieve greatness, you get to exceed your expectations. Your enemy will seek your counsel and your peers will walk with you as if like kings.

Anger and resentment and unforgiveness is like choosing a gold plated watch over a solid gold time piece, forgiveness, releasing, understanding makes you the master of your fate, the captain of your soul, bad things may prevail, unpleasant circumstance may knock at your door but YOU choose how you respond - curse/swear/shout/kick/scream? Or 'ah I'm ready for you, I know exactly how to deal with you.'

Life is like a game of poker, it's not the hand you get dealt but how you greet the hand that determines your result.

You're a leader, you've a chance to lead by example, you've a chance to prove the unseen to yourself - look back at all of you've learned, positivity, self talk, decision making, owning your opinion, self care and admire yourself for all you have accomplished - if you can rejuvenate yourself there is nothing you cannot do and nowhere you will be lonely.

One little door has opened for me recently: Guilt.....I was racked with the stuff......riddled with the stuff.......sympathy mixed with sensitivity spiced with pity and kabam we had impenetrable hate infusing guilt. Exhibit A my crippled grandmother I either rushed to her every beck and call and slaved by her every physical and emotional and mental need or I ran and avoided and ignored her callings out of anger mixed with guilt - I can't really help her, I'm powerless and I'm trapped and I hate her for it.

This year I took long deep breaths, abandoning an 87 year old is not an option. But this year I had the mental clarity to accept that I did not have to lead her life for her, nor did I have to create and be responsible for her happiness and feelings but I can help her dress and undress, make her her meals and help her with her medicine - this clarity allowed me to leave without guilt and help without resentment. This is a big big door for me to have had opened........a big relief, release one I can barely express properly.

One other thing that is happening on my smorgasbord of freedom right now is asserting myself and boundaries....this action came the realisations that I'm not someone else's property nor is my time or energy owned, when the waves of anger cease I hope to be able to speak up for myself without erupting and realise the benefits of all this work so far. I also realised that having no boundaries made me afraid of people and becoming intimate with people - if I let someone else in I am just imprisoning myself further, I stop where they begin, this has been a big fear and a big big factor in my life, properly summed up as unwillingly existing for the needs and wants of others because I could see no other option.

As I see a mirage of freedom in my near future where assertion and expression allow me to be me and be safe and to enjoy and protect and fend for myself this vision will help me put my thoughts and feelings into real life actions, where recovery becomes reality born from theory. I crave the action and implementation like a greyhound in a starting block but festina lente reigns supreme as does the tortoise and hare adage.

Love Joyce

xxx