Full Freedom

I have/had an old paradigm/narrative that I worked out of. It was comprised of thoughts/beliefs/feelings and actions - all of which contributed to the perfect ed breeding ground.

But as I began changing these thoughts started to surface to become stark realisations. I began to no longer willingly accept certain situations, results - the fog began to lift - the new began seedling and sprouting and flowering but THEN........one fine day.....well into recovery......I realised I was still well entrenched and rooted into the same soil and bed I had so wanted to escape from.

I was changing.........but I hadn't yet germinated anew and transplanted myself into a new bed, into fresher, more fertile soil as of yet.

This contrast/disparity between old and new became ever more sparse and uncomfortable and difficult.

So this one fine day I decided to identify my old story - reject the old narrative completely......BUT......before I could do that I had to construct a new healthy, sustainable happy narrative.

I had been growing and changing but kept looking back to measure progress - the murky waters of the past were the barometer of change - but how can you measure new, fresh, positive happy off of a backdrop of what was - what you were so unhappy with in the first place - and not infect or stagnate the new as you use this as your reference point?

I need to look forward as I go forward, not look back as I go forward. Like the Angelus Novus who had all the power and might to go forward but got caught in a freeze, he was so busy staring backwards he ended up nowhere.

As I kept looking back but was going forward I got caught in the rushes and nettles and marshes and freedom became even more difficult to achieve, it seemed like a struggle and a fight against the past as opposed to an embrace and acquaintance with the future.

So below is my old story and as I get to the end of I'll jump down to the new one - to a new path and bridge that will help me keep moving and growing without struggle but with energy and pace for the future - you can't change and keep the old alive all at the same time. It's one or the other. Another trade-in. I've realised I've been keeping the old alive and it had disrupted me - so as I write the old and emigrate to the new for once and for all - you as a reader act as the keener at a funeral - helping to bury the old but then bare witness to the new and help me baptise that which I so readily need to keep on going to get to FULL FREEDOM.

I no longer need the old - it's hindering and disruptive and toxic and destabilising and totally and utterly redundant - I have made enough changes now and have enough new in my basket of recovery to let go of the old and embrace the new completely, wholeheartedly, unreservedly, entirely, unabashedly, totally.

Old Thoughts/Beliefs:
I was not good enough
I was inferior
I was inadequate
I was immature
I was worthy of only disrespect, ridicule & slagging
I was an unknowing child
I was difficlut and argumentative
I was ugly and fat
I was unpopular
Everyone disliked me and immediately rushed to exclude me
I was a bore/a threat/burden/disgrace/an embarrassment to be around
I was clumsy and foolish..........
I had to wait for my cue in every situation
Etc etc etc

Old Feelings:
I felt inferior
I felt voiceless
I felt powerless
I felt inadequate
I felt angry and resentful
I felt disrespected
I felt scared of everyone
I felt timid
I felt overwhelmed
I felt trapped and imprisoned
I felt like bursting out
I felt unhappy

Old Actions/Roles/Facades:
Others'opinions automatically became my opinions
Ohters' shame/embarrassments became my embarrassments
I waited for someone else to call the shots
I waited to be led
I instinctively placed others' wants/needs and happiness before mine
I played the class clown
I played the carer
I played the know it all rescuer
My opinions were an embarrasment to me and to others
I waited for answers
I waited to be mind read
I looked to others to provide me with comfort, answers and wisdom
I rushed and hurried from one thing to the next
I stressed about every little thing
I worried what others were thinking about me
I worried about others and their problems
I never knew I had feelings of my own
I always put myself behind others
My every action before completed came from the notion.....would so and so be unhappy with me if I did this.
I was so angry at everyone else because I put their needs before mine.
I felt guilt for even going to the toilet before someone else.
I overcared for everyone
I played the martyr
I was afraid to have fun, be happy in front of others - they'll take away all my privileges if they know I'm happy
Etc.....etc......etc

Old Result:
Well for one I found solace in an eating disorder
I became racked with negativity
My mind became entirely distorted
I ignored my every wish and need to win the approval of and maintain the happinedd of others.
I slowly but surely eroded my life to the point of no Joyce life
I catastrophised, personalised, all or nothing-ised
I dragged myself out of bed everyday
I criticised and judged others
I sought instant gratification any where I could
Any building I did never lasted very long
And I began to resent and be jealous of every person I had 'assisted' along the way by sidestepping myself

What I accepted:
I accepted being disrespected, ridiclued, excluded, shouted at, getting second place, being shouted down, being made to feel wrong,on and on and on.....

THE NEW:

I'm not going to write this by way of typing up my affirmations for you to read but by writing down what, after all this time of self sacrificing and abandonment and disregarding and loathing, I have come to think of myself and how I operate now.

I think I'm a really capable and strong girl.
I have lots of my own wisdom.
I have lots of my intuition.
I'm well able to handle myself.
I see myself as more important nowadays so I feel I have a right to speak up for myself.
I'm living my life and so I choose to initiate things and express my desires, thoughts and opinions.
I think I'm a really good listener and I can hold great conversations so when I'm out I don't rush off into big long tails or try to accommodate the other person I'm talking to.
I now think that, why would anyones' needs or wants be more important than anyone elses so I'm no longer sacrificing mine.
I know I have talents and interests that I can offer the world and that the world will appreciate.
I have values now and the world looks, smells and feels better.
When something not so good happens I look for the good or the learing
I hope now as opposed to catastrophising.
I now respect myself enough to do my own thing inspite of others' opinions on the matter.
I know and accept my sensitivity now and it no longer serves to sabotage me but to remind me I have a good heart and I cannot live someone else's life for them or solve their problems.
I no longer think I'm selfish for following my heart's desire on a daily basis.
I respect myself enough now to go out without facade or play without roles so that I can honour who I am my being me.

I really, really, really wish for the full engagement with myself without guilt or worry.
I really want to own who I am, own my time, own my life, own my energy, own my talents, not give out to others first and then take their left overs for me.

I know now that I have lots of my own wisdom and I can stop looking to others for their guidance when they could never lead me in the first place, that my guidance system is better for me than theirs could ever be, that I am a leader for me now, that I have answers and power and that I can live a fabulous positive healthy life. I can stop forcing myself to be somewhere that no longer suits me just to fit into the shoulds and ideals that I have set for myself and that life has conjured up for us.

I'm going to be bold, I'm going to be the strong girl I am and stand up where I would have balked and walk talk where I would have crawled....the consequences at first may be unpleasant but I can't live sacrificing myself for the wants and desires of others anymore....I have to live my life, I have to give to me and nurture and care for me and have fun with me and for me and look after me and provide for me and flourish for me.

I know all this may sound terrific on paper and even though this has now become a burning desire in me I really want to migrate it to real life action and for it to become my permanent mandate and experience. I really really want this, for if I don't I'll remain someone else's version of Joyce, I'll remain resentful and jealous as I witness others lead their lives, I am leading mine NOW and I make no bones about it. When I went to Marino first all I wanted was to be able to get out of bed with ease and have a normal relationship with food but now that that has started to fall properly into place the real work begins. I have no option now but to do this and just live my life.......

We all have different ingredients in our pots of ed and different remedies for our own cure, I know that we each have our very own distinct tapestries of dis-ease and our own plethora of health giving threads.....I always looked to others for compassion and to have something in common.......oh my god your mum is as mean as my mum isn't that great......no that's not great.....today I stop looking for common pain to comfort and validate my own, today I grow into the strenghts I have, the powerful human I am, validate my own tapestry, honour it and set about threading the new....it may take time, it may take patience and it may have setbacks but I am not taking my eyes of the goal and I will refer to this post for motivation.

Like this is my life, this is yours too, just like I wouldn't expect to live yours for me, nor will I live mine for anyone else.

This is extremely foreign scary territory for me but I just have to go for it.

Joyce