Men and Sensitivity

By current society’s standards the words ‘men and sensitivity’ do not ‘fit together’. In general it is not a value that men are comfortable with.
This is as sensitivity is often perceived as failure and weakness that could be exploited by others and which dilutes masculinity -you have heard the PC term metro sexual.

In reality for men sensitivity is a healthy attribute and it is within the context, comfort and security of masculinity. Sensitivity needs to be complimented with resilience but more on this later.

I am currently training to become a therapist and the nature of which brings me into contact with exclusively female company. Any sensitivity that I have helps with understanding, appreciation and empathy and personally I identify it as a powerful quality. I would also add that one night a week I train in Aikido – a martial art. Whilst I would not promote that all men do the same, for me it helps to ensure balance.

Within society one person who stands out to me as well balanced in both sensitivity and masculinity is the singer Sting. I am an avid fan and make no apologies for that. Sting would be considered as very strong (and physically so), astute and tough masculine character. However if you read various biographies and comments attributed to him, we see a sensitivity – the impact of the divorce of his parents and subsequently reaction to both their deaths within a short time period, money worries when he started as a full time musician as well as effect of the breakup of his first marriage.

Some may consider this as a ‘flaw’ in his character – conversely it is a strength which I believe that he drew upon to pen some of the best known songs from when he started his career in the late seventies . Many of his songs relate either directly or by metaphor to loneliness and isolation. Please consider the words to the well known hit ‘Message in a bottle’

Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair

I'll send an sos to the world
I'll send an sos to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle
[message in a bottle]

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart

Walked out this morning
Don't believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home

Resilience
Sensitivity helps us to feel, connect with our emotions, increases our awareness, to feel compassion and humanity. To use it as a positive tool it needs to be complimented with resilience.
Sensitivity coupled with resilience helps us to process the issue, move forward and take action/reach a decision or closure, to contextualize the feeling , see the wider picture and to be strong enough to become a problem solver as opposed to a problem stator who has awareness who either runs away from the issue or at best gets ‘stuck’ with it.

You may have heard of the fight or flight reaction to stressors - a reference deemed to have originated from the time when there were very real physical dangers to man from wild beasts. It did not take much sensitivity to realize there was danger but very immediate action was required – either run or fight it. There was not the luxury to just sit with the feeling of fear – poor me I am in danger – it could have been one of the last emotional feelings whilst the lion or whatever prepared for lunch.

Today in our society we seldom have such acute physical danger and it may appear that is easier to do nothing. The leading investor Warren Buffet, known as the sage of Omaha, is quoted as saying words to the effect ‘it is easier to look in the rear view mirror than focus on the route ahead’
when we have feel issues due to our sensitivity – we need have courage to move forward –otherwise in reality if we simply dwell and focus on it without balance, we sit with the stress of that thinking, our bodies have to deal with the physical consequences of stress and emotionally we may enter a dangerous place.

I.G.
Trainee Therapist